Friday, August 12, 2011

TRUE ???? # 39

TRUE ???? SPECIAL # 39

Curtis was making a mess on the table while Pat was cleaning the table. Pat folded a napkin, put it on the table, set Curtis' sweating ice water glass on it, then walked away. Curtis picked up the ice water, folded Pat's tip in half, then set the tip on the napkin and the icewater on the tip. Carol said, in her iciest voice: "Wait just a minute. We don't launder money here." Curtis immediately took the tip and put it in his pocket, replacing it with one that looked fresh off the press. He took pains to keep this one away from water, lest the ink run. He put this one on the table, and set a knife on it to keep it from blowing away. Pat mumbled something, and she can mumble with the best of them when she wants to.

Darlene and Jim came in with Darlene wearing a shirt that several of the ladies had good comments about it being so pretty, and Darlene started to take it off, but then said it was pinned at the top so she couldn't take it off. I don't know what that means, so that could be an acceptable excuse for not taking ones shirt off.

Some of the Cafe's other ne'er-do-wells and I are putting together a race between Jim, on his crutches, and Darlene on her walker. I got it right from the horses mouth (so to speak) that Jim can outrun Darlene, so the smart money is going to bet on Jim to win, and maybe even give odds.

For anybody who wasn't there, or just didn't know, we celebrated Carol's 60th birthday today. Sheridan drew the figure to put on Carol's cake. She said what was on it was a nekkid stick man figure, so she drew a nekkid female figure and said it was Carol. By the time it got on the cake it was Carol in her Chef's get-up, hat and all. The piece they served me had a cobra on it. Sheridan said that was Carol's leg with the foot on it, but I think Sheridan had taken a spoonful of that Habenero salsa she gave me and couldn't see through the tears in her eyes, cause it looked more like a cobra to me than a leg with a foot on it.

That Habenero salsa Sheridan and Daryl had bought at Cabellos thinking they had finally found one that was too hot for me. It was too hot for them. Now this salsa is not quite gates of hell hot, but it is right around the corner. I laced my Chef's salad with it tonight, and only had to have one glass of tea. Just to be on the safe side, though, Carol told Heather, Pat, and Taylor to always keep that salsa right next to the fire extinguisher in case it suddenly decides to spontaneously combust.

I didn't get to see all of Carol's table dance, cause she was behind me, but her shirt front was blossoming with hundred dollar bills and gold ingots, which James said she would not share with him. Maybe somebody got some video.

Pat had on her intimidating face tonight, and wouldn't put up with Curtis' shenanigans, at one point telling him to shut the (expletive deleted), and stop (expletive deleted), or else she would (expletive deleted), and he could (expletive deleted) and if he couldn't manage that, he could (expletive deleted) the next time. Carol heard the commotion and started helping Pat rip Curtis a new (expletive deleted). When she asked what (expletive deleted) started this, Curtis calmly explained that he was simply rubbing a dirt clod on the floor to make it smaller so the fan would make it roll around. Carol, having calmed down some, told Curtis that made perfect sense to her, so why had he not simply explained it to Pat that way? He said Pat is much more fun when ranting and raving and waving her arms around. Immediately prior to the next round of expletives deleted from Carol and Pat, the air actually turned blue.

Tonight after Linda and I had eaten and were sitting around jawing with Curtis, I saw Carol in the kitchen lean way over the trash can to the point where her head was inside the rim of the can. Curtis and I, being ne'er-do-wells, are not above hoo-rawin' Carol, cause she just gives it right back. I said: " If you're looking for silverware, be sure to mark it some way so we'll know where it's been. Carol said: "All of your silverware is right there in that bin that says "BURT" on it. That's so I'll know where all of yours has been." Curtis said: "Is my silverware included in that?" "Of course not." replied Carol "That would be unsanitary. You know we can't have that. You each have your own bin for the ride through the car wash to do ya'lls dishes."

The way she said "yall's" brought back to mind an old, old saying. " Don't (expletive deleted) with the cook."


Sunday, August 7, 2011

TRUE ???? # 38

TRUE ???? # 38

For years now, Chester has been ragging me about my "21 year old Bronco", offering to give me a push if I need it or whatever if it should fail to start. I've always been able to come back with "it always starts", or something equally pithy. As luck would have it, this past Friday the Bronco refused to start. I knew it wasn't a major problem, and started trying to reach Chester, where he is "summering" in Pennsylvania, trying to escape some of this Texas heat. As if he knew in advance I would be needing his help, he laid a false trail to his "summer" telephone number that would have stumped Daniel Boone, but Chester, being a former Navy man himself, should have remembered that SEALs never give up. My Bronco was started, and I drove to the Cafe in time for breakfast. Then started it again to take it to my mechanic in Burleson. Though Chester did not get the satisfaction of starting the Bronco himself, he will be extremely pleased (I'm pretty sure)that my solution to the problem took into account that Chester has always wanted to help start the Bronco. I just called (long distance) EVERY triple A office in the state of Pennsylvania until I got the one in his town, & had them call a triple A office in Ft. Worth to send someone to my address to start the Bronco.

To show my appreciation to Chester for his "willingness" to help, I thoughtfully had ALL the bills sent to Chesters Ft. Worth address, where they will be awaiting his return to Texas in the Fall.


Gemini Man
copyright 2011

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