4-15 -13
TRUE ???? TOO # 5
NOT
OZ, BUT CLOSE BY
Long ago, but
not too far away, there was a restaurant called the Bella Vita, which loosely
(very loosely) translated from Italian to American English means Good Life. For
those of you who speak the King's English, as opposed to American English, just
bear with me, cause the owner of Bella Vita, Luma Nescence, (which is NOT her
real name, as I have to be paid to reveal real names)speaks fluent Albanian
with a trace of New Jersey accent, but is coming right along on that Texas
accent. I threatened to write a Texas/Albanian dictionary of all the dirty
words in the world and publish it in TRUE ???? TOO, but Luma reminded me that
Bella Vita is, after all, a family restaurant. I countered with " if they
ain't heard it before, they don't know what it means anyway", and she
responded with a string of Albanian words that I'm pretty sure meant
"yeah, but you're trying to tell them what it means".Luma does not
know that I have an inside source (named Knee ah) which is not her real name
either, who supplies me with Albanian to Texas English translations. Using my
fantastic memory I was able to relate to Knee ah, word for word what Luma had
said to me. Knee ah said that that language was Greek to her, and unfortunately
Greek is one of the few languages I do NOT speak, but the Quest for truth will
continue.
There were about
thirty of us sitting in one booth the other day, when Tammyammyammy (which is
Not her real name either) said she would set up our usual table if someone
would tell her where she put the three coffee pots, so she could make some more
coffee before my cup ran out. Jim E (again not his real name) and I, being
confirmed coffee drinkers, had used Crayolas to disguise two of the pots to
look like cups, and were drinking from them while the remaining pot was stashed
in the back by disguising it as a witches cauldron by Glenda, a good witch, and
I promise again for the LAST time, the name disclaimer will NOT be used again.
The Wild Bunch
is a "gang-lite" bunch of misfits and ne'er do wells who breakfast at
Bella Vita every Tuesday morning to give a hard time to Luma (who was a
passably good cook when she started cooking back in Albania for the family and
hired hands who discovered how to grow pasta. I know that it is widely believed
that either the Italians or the Chinese invented pasta, but the fact ???? is that pasta
was discovered growing wild in an Albanian grape field. Two of the Nescents
hired hands had been pulling up pasta for a couple of years to keep it from
choking out the grape vines, and one blistering hot day they threw some of the
pulled up pasta at a large vat that was full of rain water sitting in the hot
sun all day. It changed almost immediately and got soft. One of the hands stuck
a now-soft stick of it in his mouth and discovered it was quite tasty. The other tried a taste, and said "needs
salt". After some experimenting, they cut the Nescents in on their
discovery, who immediately sent their daughter, Luma , to a culinary school in
Paris. She soon surpassed the Chefs who ran the place, and decided she could do
better. She took a train to New York, (which is VERY hard to do from Albania)
She opened up an Italian restaurant in
New York, but soon hungered for the West, and took a train to Texas from New
York, which was much easier to do. Bella Vita 2 was the result of that trip. Now
located in the bustling metropolis of Rendon City, which is located between
Retta City and Everman. All of you who have read THE TRIAL-TRUE???? # 27. will
know all about Retta City, but possibly be ignorant of Everman, which was
shortened from "Ever man for himself" during the Native American
uprising.(I promise, that will be the LAST politically correct statement you
will ever read in this paper.)
One evening
while Linda and I were having dinner, Triple T. (T.Tiny Tina) and I engaged in
a conversation about the death penalty, which I support and T is against. When
I asked her how she could think a miscreant should be allowed to live, she
reminded me that she had not said that. She merely said she was against violence,
but not necessarily against the threat of violence. When I asked to what ends,
she said a miscreant should be forced, against his will and at gunpoint if
necessary, to drink or eat poison. As long as THEY drank or ate it, it would
not be violent, and a perfectly acceptable way for society to terminate their
violent behavior.
Glinda is the
good witch that hangs out with Hill and Russ in the back room, and as soon as I
can figure how to put cameras in there, you will hear more about them, as you
KNOW I wouldn't just make something up. One of those two of her cohorts was
seen this morning taking something from a car that wasn't his, and putting it
into a car that WAS his. Glinda was at the front window catching every move on
a TV camera, so we may get to see him on the news, though I have absolutely no
facts to anything.
I'm not sure if
everyone knows about Goldilocks being a regular at Bella Vita, or even if they
knew that she adopted an infant bear. Seems this family of bears were falling
on hard times, and were about to fall into a life of crime stealing porridge,
when they encountered Goldilocks and her husband, Lion Man. They proceeded to
find jobs for the Papa bear and the Mama bear at a local Sam's Club.
Unfortunately the pay is minimum, and barely covers rent, so the papa and mama
bear were considering the Forest Park Zoo for the baby bear, but Goldi and Lion
offered their home as a home for the three bears, as they had a bed that was
big enough for all three of them. They were invited to stay until they could
find better jobs, and meanwhile Lion and Goldi would be "Godparents"
to the little one, and act as "surrogate" mother and father, as well
as full time sitters. Goldi brings the little one to Bella Vita every time they
come in for breakfast. I cannot relate to you the name of the little one, as I
have not heard it, but we all know, I couldn't tell you what it's REAL name is
anyway.
I was ratchet'
jawin' the other morning and had no idea that Hottie Carol, from the Rendon
Cafe, had come by, until Chester or somebody told me she had walked past me as
she was leaving. If she had passed in front of me, I would have said "Hi,
Hottie Carol", but as she was behind me I did not see her or even know she
was there until somebody told me later. So, belated, "HI HOTTIE
CAROL". If you come by Bella Vita again, stop by and I'll buy your coffee.
I guess the
Gremlins are at it again. At breakfast the other day, there was a flash, and
then I found out a little while later that a bulb had gone out in the kitchen.
It was one of those 2 foot diameter jobbies that takes two men and a ladder to
change, so Luma was busy making omelets and pancakes with Tammyammyammy holding
up a Coleman lantern.
W W of the W
writes notes to augment my fantastic memory in writing this paper. I fact, were
it not for those notes, you would never hear of any happenings that happened
BEFORE the day I sit down to write this. She handed me 4 pages of notes 3 or 4
days ago, so I'm pretty sure she expects this letter to be longer than usual, which
it certainly will be. She wasn't there this morning, so she didn't see or hear
this next, which means I MUST write it down NOW, or I might not remember it to
relate it to her when she gets home from work this afternoon. My apologies if
this seems somehow out of order, but I just promise TRUTH????, not continuity.
This morning (Thu-4-18-13), Tammyammyammy ran
out of the Kitchen screaming she was going to shoot something/someone in the
hole if she could find a shotgun. I asked her what the problem was, and she
said there was a bird in the ceiling whose noise was driving her crazy. As that
could be a very short trip, I offered advice if nothing else. The offending
bird was in the ceiling in the back, next to the kitchen. I told her to just
take a broomstick and bump the ceiling below the bird. She did, and came
running/screaming back into the dining room, closing the door behind her. She
said the bird attacked her and she had to run for her life. I struggled out of
my chair and peeked into the back room. Expecting a sparrow or some such, I was
just a tiny bit surprised to see a 2 foot tall Falcon, about 3 feet of wing
span. I decided that rather than deal with it my self, I would teach
Tammyammyammy how to take care of this herself, in case it might happen again
in the future. I just told Tammyammyammy to go back into the room, closing the
door behind her, and open the outside door. She said she had opened the door a
little bit already, so I told her to open it all the way. On her way to the
back room, I heard another customer tell her to turn off all the lights when
she opened the door. After being gone a few minutes, she returned breathless
and scared witless. She said she didn't know if the bird got out, but she could
still hear something moving in the room, so I went to check, which I did. When
I returned, I asked her if the outside door could be closed from the outside,
and she replied yes.
I then offered
what I consider to be a perfectly logical solution. Close the back door from
outside. Texas is a HUNTING state, whose hunters are accustomed to paying a fee
to the landowner, or the lease holder. While outside, I discovered the door I
had told her to open wide was a door that could admit a 2 ton truck. While
outside, I could not ascertain whether the Falcon had escaped, but since the
light had been turned off, the room was most certainly full of bats. FEE
STRUCTURE: LIVE CAPTURE=$10.00 per bat---HUNTING=$5.00 per bat—tennis rackets
ONLY (Not responsible for visits from PETA) FLASHLIGHTS and any other light
device STRICTLY FORBIDDEN. Hunts could be advertised as Dangerous Game, since
there is a slight chance of a bite from a RABID bat. This is TECHNICALLY correct,
but also absolutely unethical, so I would advise against it TAMMYAMMYAMMY's OPTIONS, NEEDING:
House-Car-Boobjob.. COULD GET --- TENT---BICYCLE---Forget boob job, get a
bigger tent.
