TRUE ???? # 32

TRUE ????               # 32

     Carol closed up shop for one day to attend a food convention. I think the girls also attended, tho I have not been told whether coercion was a factor. Carol entered into negotiations with Ben E. Keith for some hippopotamus for the cafe, and they kept telling her "it's out of season, or regulations won't permit, or we can't find Africa, and other such nonsense until Carol finally laid down the law, and said "You will either supply Rendon Cafe with the hippo's we need, or you will furnish Rendon Cafe employees with Ben E. Keith T shirts in perpetuity, or until Curtis shoots a hippo, whichever comes first." The fact that the girls are wearing those T shirts shows just how Carol can't be trifled with.

     Sheridan heard that you can clean your eyeglasses in a washing machine just like you can your socks, so she gave it a try, but said she won't do it again cause it made her nose hurt.

     Chester came in with very dark glasses on, saying his doctor told him not to get in the sun without those glasses. Roy said he always knows what's going on with Chester by looking in his eyes, so now his only guage is how much Chester's head is glowing.

     Heather passed by my coffee cup (which was by the way, laying on it's side) 3 times before she noticed it. When she picked it up, I said "Not to worry. It's only been 22 minutes on it's side," whereupon she immediately took the clock off the wall in the kitchen. Now Carol thinks Burt is a clock watcher.

     Roy said before he dies, he wants an electric car, and a windmill to generate his own electricity. He read TRUE ???? for the first time that day, so if he decides to read another issue, here's how he can solve his problem.

First thing to do is strip down a car to get rid of all the excess weight, such as engine, transmission, differential, mufflers, catalytic converters, gas tank, brakes, etc. Some of the essentials you won't want to be without, such as cup holders and air conditioner, which will of course have to be converted to A.C. Mount your windmill directly to the car, putting one leg of the tower over each of the 4 wheels on the car, for equal weight distribution. Don't skimp on the duct tape, as you want a solid hookup. Buy 167 Mag Lite flashlights. They are extremely strong, and very light weight, which is what we want. Each of those Mags holds 4 Dcell batteries, which will power your CD player, and the windmill will recharge the batteries, wired up with baling wire. The windmill provides the power to make the car go, with some power left over. The only drawback to this design, is in the delivery of the windmills power to your house to make the lights work.
This will require that you move to West Texas so there is ample wind to generate electricity as well as push the car. Be sure you have an ample supply of extension cord, so you won't get caught out somewhere without enough cord to reach your house from wherever you might happen to be, else your lights might go out at home.

Curtis told me this morning that he missed a coyote. With a rifle. With a scope on it. Do you think it might be just barely possible that the reason he hasn't gotten a hippopotamus is because ????????????????


     I know it seems hard to believe, but Curtis found a rock in the parking lot and brought it into the cafe. I suggested we have a celebration, but Curtis thought his rock wasn't pesentable enough for celebration, so he asked James if he would wash the rock. James replied "of course" and took said rock into the kitchen. He returned shortly with a rock with a shine on it, and a smile on it's face, which it now has. Since Curtis had ripped the rock away from all it's kith and kin, James, to make sure it wasn't lonely or homesick, ensconced it in a bed of lettuce, and you could tell by the smile on it's face it thought it was back in a field. A fieldstone, as it were.


Gemini Man
Copyright 2011

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TRUE ???? # 31

TRUE????     # 31

Once again, Pat has come through, and the results of The Wild Bunch background checks are in. We know with certainty that Pat would not lie, so here they are, from her research to my computer, un edited and unvarnished.

JIM ELLER-unblemished record. 6 aliases have checkered pasts, however. Big Jim Relle, the worst of them, was once a used-car salesman and con man. He has remained unconvicted, but used car salesman is a heavy burden.


SHARON ELLER-that name is clean, but Shoran Relle, in college, snorted Dr.Pepper, and smoked a 5 coffee blend. She wrote an underground paper called: "I'm a pepper, wouldn't you like to be a pepper too"?

JIM H & DARLENE H-Not too bad under their real names, but Pat gave up after finding 16 aliases and only listed the worst. Mr. and Mrs. Happygolucky sold gold mines, promising "there is no gold in them, but you MIGHT find sawdust, which we all know is the platinum of the future."

JAY SMITH is the alias, whose real name is Norville Pelosi, and he's desperately trying to live it down. He would have pretended adoption, but then he would have been a Clinton.

LISA- Jay Smiths "strong arm" girl, who hands Jay a bullet to bite every time someone mentions "Pelosi".  He bit through so many .45's, she now uses .50 BMG.

CHESTER R-this is another unblemished name, but when the name Mr. Dillon comes up, this barber shows up and shaves everybody's head, then sets fire to the hair. They can't pin him down, cause he knows every fireman on the planet.

SALLY R-yet another name with no strikes, but of her 11 aliases, Wonder Woman is an outlaw biker who rides the "owlhoot trail" with known Hell's Angels. She was incarcerated once, but got out by pretending not to know Chester.

SHARON V-(possibly an undercover Homeland Security Agent, assigned to keep tabs on the pyromaniac barber.) She is not allowed a firearm and live ammo, but must throw rocks.

SHERIDAN-Turns out she really IS a witch. Has beat the rap no fewer than 73 times over the last 409 years. When asked to show I.D., she's fond of showing her first drivers license, which has an issue date of 1617.

JERI B-One of Sheridans "familiars", who has been instrumental in getting Sheridan freed 68 of those times. She would have a perfect "freed" record, but was vacationing in the South of France those other times.

DONDE----A "witch-in-training", helps keep Sheridan from "the Stake". She will get her "Witches Wings with Cauldron Cluster" in 2020.

PAT J & NELLIE J-were once suspected of "fixing" a horse race. Charges could not be brought because the horse in question LOST the race. They claimed they were trying to fix the horse, not the race. The horse had a 2.380 blood alcohol content.

Last but not least, Pat has confided that she hopes to retain her position in the Wild Bunch, since she IS the daughter of some of them. She is related to some of them. She is lifelong friends to ALL of them. She only did what she is paid to do; she is a professional, after all.  She believes her transgressions will be forgiven, and though the "bunch" might decide a light punishment is in order, she hopes her relativity will be taken into consideration, and she is a professional, after all. it will be nothing more than a light beating about the head and shoulders, she is a professional, after all, and her OWN background check was included in the report to me.

This is the UNEDITED background check on PAT R.



PAT R- Back to the day of her birth, nothing was found that would indicate that she is anything less than pure as the driven snow.







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Become a FOLLOWER. Be alert. This country needs more lerts. Already have too many leaders.

TRUE ???? # 30

TRUE  # 30

Carol has bought some new stuff for the cafe, one of those things shows graphically how much thought Carol puts into making sure she has everything she needs to operate efficiently. If one looks at the East wall, you will notice a new clock on said wall. In case of emergency, as in an influx of customers unexpected, one may simply break a spoon and/or a fork off the new clock if a shortage of silverware occurs. Now that is advance planning.

A few mornings ago, I was invited, repeatedly , and finally at gunpoint, to join The Wild Bunch at their tables for breakfast. I was blindfolded and searched, then made to sit between Darlene and Lisa. I think they may have been looking for a listening device, as I was armed, but they made no move to disarm me. After a few minutes they took the blindfold off, and said I could speak. I ordered a hubcap and bacon, and was then told I could speak to them, not Heather. I said: "I appreciate ya'll buying me breakfast this way," and Jim E. said: "It's my birthday, and if anybody's getting a free breakfast, it'll be me."  Can't argue with that logic at all, so I told Jim Happy Birthday.

Then I asked if that invitation meant I was being inducted into The Wild Bunch. Some of them said yes, some didn't say anything at all, and one person said I might get a bad reputation if I accepted, then someone else suggested an Honorary Membership. That sounded o.k., and I thought that might give me time to have background checks run on all of them, to make sure my Sterling Character could not be besmirched. The Wild Bunch has it's own "background checker", Pat, but I am almost nearly 50%
half-sure that Pat's being a Wild Buncher would nearly have maybe practically next to nothing in her sworn duty to give me honest results in a background check on her Father, her Mother, all her best friends that she grew up with, and their spouses.
I'll let you know how that turns out.

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TRUE ???? # 29

There was some discussion the other day on the correct spelling of a Mexican dish made with tortillas, eggs, sausage, cheese, onions, and jalapenos.(wusses can have the jalapenos left off, if need be) Curtis said it should be spelled QUESIDILLAS. I said QUESEDILLAS. Curtis won the argument and it was offered on the chalk board as QUESIDILLAS. Later, at home, I told Linda that I wasn't absolutely sure that it shouldn't have been spelled with an A, and not an E or an I. She looked it up, and as we should have expected, Curtis and I were both wrong. Henceforth, it will be spelled correctly, QUESADILLAS (with an a and 2 ll's)

You know the old saying: What can go wrong, will go wrong. Well, Murphy was doing his thing last weekend, when the cafe was full to overflowing with customers, and the credit card machine was planning to take the day off, until customer Michael F. decided  that wasn't going to happen, so while Heather was busy with other things, Michael made the machine behave and start acting like it should, so the machine started  taking money from customers for Carol to spend, and issuing those little paper slips that tells a customer how much money he spent on what, and when.

Jim E. started building a new house out of golf balls. When I first heard of this, I was thinking along the lines of of a 12inch by 12inch sparrow house, or goldfinch or something, but I got a glimpse of the plans the other day when he was showing them to Chester and Curtis. Chester was saying he thought there was going to be a problem plumbing a 3700 square foot house with 3/8 inch PVC. Jim countered by saying he was building the house out of golf balls so he could vacation at Machu-Pichu next year. He puts his boat in the lakes on various golf courses (at night, of course) and drags a minnow seine around catching lost golf balls. I knew another guy who did that, but he just cleaned up the balls and sold them back to the people who knocked them into the lake to begin with. Seems a few months ago Jim got a really good deal on some military surplus super glue. He got nine 55 gallon barrels full of super glue for $2.98, plus $718.98 for S&H. It was tax free, being surplus and all. He figures to build the whole shebang for under $1000.00, if he stays with 3/8inch PVC plumbing and puts Pat in charge of keeping the walls plumb as they go up. He plans to build it in sections, putting golf balls on a 4 ft.x 8 ft sheet on plywood, then standing it up. When I suggested he just use the plywood and leave off the golf balls, he said that would be cost prohibitive, as he's only going to use the one sheet of plywood. Pat will put the super glue on a ball, then stick another one to it. Put it on the wood and then stick another ball to it, and so on. When the sheet is full of golf balls, she then only has to stand it up. and make sure the glue is dry before letting the plywood drop, then start the next one. I can see where wind could be a factor.

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TRUE???? HEAD SHED # 7

I have not been into the Head Shed for a while, but I did run into Doctor Blanca-Vera at Rendon Cafe the other morning. She was with her husband, whom she did not introduce to me, probably because when I called her Chica, she probably thought I was confusing her with her sister Chica.. Not so. I was merely trying to put one over on God and get Doctor Blanca-Vera put into the "annointed one" category as her sister is, so she couldn't be mistaken for a loose woman. It did not work, so either you cannot fool God or you must be a priest to "annoint" someone. I will have to find out how Chica accomplished that.

Doctor Blanca-Vera told me she was not Chica, which I knew, and that she was the Phsychiatrist, which I also knew. Her husband told me that he had altered a sign at the Head Shed by affixing an arrow to the "loose women-pickpocket sign" to direct one's eye to Sharon-Michell-Alice when you read the words Loose Women, to lessen the stigma on Doctor Blanca-Vera, which I did not know. I also did not know there was any stigma attached to one's being known as "a loose woman". Historically, most of the women who have made great accomplishments in different fields of endeavor have been loose women.

Joan of Arc's battlefield accomplishments were unmatched even by most men, and Joan was as loose as a goose and crazy as a bedbug. Everybody knows that Carrie Nation always downed a fifth of red-eye before taking her hammer into the saloons and busting them up. Florence Nightingale mended broken bodies relentlessly, and practically everybody knows about Hillary.

Maybe we could start a class for loose women, instructing in all the finer points, and removing the stigma. like an exorcism. Sharon-Michelle-Alice could tell us what things to leave, and which to get rid of. Maybe one could be another Joan of Arc' without killing everyone in sight and being a full bubble off plumb. This may sound a little radical, even for TRUE????, but maybe Sharon-Michelle-Alice could become the first loose woman priest. I'll vote for her. We could start a new political party. Women for abolishing stigma attached to loose women, or WFASATLW, for short.


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TRUE # 28

Roy drove to the
cafe the other day on his tractor. I expect that soon Curtis will see that as some sort of challenge, and drive his own tractor up to the cafe. If this were Indiana or some other place far removed from the Mason-Dixon line or the Chisolm Trail, one might expect to see tractors engaging in pulling contests. Up there where they have all the corn and wheat in the world, a tractor could be expected to excel at pulling. Here though, speed is the norm, as we use tractors for racing and hunting., At the moment, Curtis is the King of the Grasshopper hunts with a tractor, but it could just be that Roy has decided to unseat Curtis, and has thrown down the guantlet,

Roy's tractor is at the moment outfitted with hay gathering equipment, but I believe it only takes a short time to put on the grasshopper calls, herding panels, bells, whistles, klieg lights, and a couple of extra large Conibear traps, to make it ready for North Texas Grasshopper hunting. I don't know how evenly the tractors are matched for speed, but Roy does have a street rod, though he denies driving it fast, but he at least knows what speed is. More details will be forthcoming as I learn more about Roy and Curtis' intent.

Carol broke her eyeglasses in a recent soccer match with a diving headbutt to the ball that prevented a score from the opposing team. Her optometrist has let her down with replacement glasses, so she's been trying to repair the broken frames, which broke the glasses in half between the nose pieces. I suggested 2 monacles, but she has to squint too much for that, so here is my next best suggestion.

Put a one inch long piece of duct tape, sticky side up, on a bare table. Have a second, matching piece of tape ready at hand. Lay both halves of the glasses on their lenses, earpieces pointed up, on the first piece of tape, centering the break in the frames in the middle of the tape. Carefully place the second piece of tape sticky side down over the broken frames, keepin the two pieces of tape aligned along the edges, with the broken frame sandwiched in between. You will need a helper to carefully lift the glasses by the earpieces, making certain to maintain alignment. Then staple the two pieces of tape together with the frame break evenly spaced between the ends of the staples. This will require 4 staples. One below the crosspiece, one above, on the inside of the glasses, and the same on the outside of the glasses. These staples will keep the broken ends of the crosspiece pulled together. Lay the glasses back down, on the lenses, earpieces pointing up. Take several wraps of duct tape, this time with the edges of the tape next to the lenses wrapping the tape around the broken crosspiece, between the nosepieces. Select a rubber that is large enough to put over the earpieces just behind the hinges. The rubber band keeps tension pulling the broken pieces of the crosspiece together, The band must be large enough to go over the bill of your ball cap from the top of the glasses, and under your nose from the bottom of the glasses. Adjust the tension so the side of the rubber band under your nose does not pull the glasses down too far, nor the part over the bill of the cap pull up too far. One downside to this method is that it kinda makes the glasses stay with the ball cap, but that's not really a problem unless you lay the cap down and then sit on it. This process has not been submitted to Red Green for evaluation, but I feel certain it would meet nearly 1/2 of the 50% requirements for uses of duct tape.



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THE TRIAL

TIME FRAME: JANUARY  1510        

CAST OF CHARACTERS AND POSITIONS

CAROL---Proprietress of the Rendon Township Inn---Wife of James

JAMES---Innkeeper and part-time Under Sheriff of Rendon Township---Husband of Carol

JIM E-----High Alderman of Rendon Township-----Husband of Sharon, and Blender of Spirits

ROBERT--Rendon Township Lay-about and Ne'er do well

CHESTER R--Rendon Township Elder and Administrator of Ducking Stool       Punishments-------Husband of Sally, and sometime Blender of Spirits

CURTIS--Rendon Township Lay-about and Ne'er do well

JIM H----Rendon Township Elder and Mediator-----Husband of Darlene

REX-----Rendon Township Beekeeper

PAT J---Under Alderman of Rendon Township-----Husband of Nellie

JERRY--Rendon Township Lay-about and Ne'er do well, Blender of Spirits

LARRY--Rendon Township Surveyor

JAY  S----Rendon Township Trainer of Trainable Animals------------Husband of Ann

ROY----Crops Administrator for Rendon Township, and operator of the Rendon Still

DARYL--Rendon Township Lay-about and Ne'er do well-------Husband of Sheridan

BOB C--Livestock Administrator for Rendon Township-------Husband of Ruth

CHARLIE B--Education Administrator for Rendon Township,

RAYMOND--High Sheriff of Rendon Township---------Husband of Toby

HENRY R---Rendon Township Militia Administrator and Trainer------------Husband of Martha

JOSE-----Rendon Township Immigration Administrator, and keeper of the Township's papers

HARRY--Rendon Township Administrator of the Punishment Stocks

TOM-----Rendon Township Woodchopper

FRANK--Rendon Township Man for Hire

BURT----Rendon Township Lay-about, Ne'er do well, and Witch Hunter------Husband of Linda

LADIES OF RENDON TOWNSHIP

Carol---Wife of James

Linda----Wife of Burt

Sheridan---Wife of Daryl, Blender of Spirits, brewer of beverages, operator of several floating games of chance, and a suspected Witch

Pat-------Member of the Wild Bunch and server at the Township Inn

Michelle---Barmaid and server at the Public House, barmaid at The Tavern on The Square

Sharon E----Wife of Jim E and maker and distributor of crafts

Sharon V---Barmaid at The Tavern on The Square.

Darlene---Wife of Jim H, and owner of The Tavern on The Square

???????? Bargirl and soiled dove at the Long Branch Saloon

???????? Bargirl and soiled dove at the Long Branch Saloon

???????? Bargirl and soiled dove at the Long Branch Saloon, and the Township Banker

Kristin (with a K and two i's), recently turned 21, and is the new owner of the Long Branch Saloon.(it is 1510, but it is only 300 years or so away from being Texas, after all.)

Ann------Wife of Jay, server in the Rendon Public House

Rene---Bartender at the Long Branch Saloon

Toby----Wife of Raymond

Sally---Wife of Chester and town cryer

Martha---Wife of Henry and Acting Magistrate for Rendon Township

Donde---Proprietress of the Rendon Public House.

Georgia---

Nellie---Wife of Pat J

Gerry---

Robin R---

Judy---Wife of Frank

Traci (with an i) Rendon Township gunsmith

POPULATION OF RETTA CITY=37

MALES—14       FEMALES---23

MALE NAMES=HERKIMER 1 through 14     FEMALE NAMES=HANNAH 1 through 23

DEAR READERS:

We are going to take a short trip back in time. I say short because 500 years is not really all that long. For this reason, you, the reader, must suspend your accustomed reliance on being able to believe at least some of what is written in TRUE????. Bear in mind that I am NOT saying that NOTHING in this story is true, but if you are looking for historical facts you just might be reading the wrong story. This is the story of the crew and passengers of the Galaxia, a ship that sailed with the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria, but being made up of a crew and passengers much more daring than Columbuses' bunch. They sailed down the coast of what is now the USA, around what is now Florida, into what is now the Gulf Of Mexico, and made landing at what is now Galveston Texas. From there this intrepid bunch trekked on foot inland to an ideal place for a township, and named it Rendon Township, based on rending their group away from the bunch that just had to be on the East coast, and rending the land itself away from the native peoples who were there at the time. We will now move ahead a few years to 1510, January, and colder than a well diggers a?? in Montana.

Dawn was breaking as Harry opened up the stocks and let Jerry out. It was Wednesday, and Jerry had been incarcerated since Monday evening. He had served one day and two nights in the stocks for a relatively minor offense. He had jokingly told Charlie that he believed the stocks were an antiquated punishment and were on the way out. Unfortunately, he had been overheard by Robin, and she relayed the statement to Chester, who wanted badly to introduce Jerry to the ducking stool. Fortunately, Martha had decided that the ducking stool was too harsh for just making a misstatement, but since Jerry had unwisely said that he could do a day and two nights on his head in the stocks, Martha ordered him placed in the stocks with his ankles buckled in, and his head down. He was a bit lightheaded when released, and fell down a few times on his way to the Public House for an ale pick-me-up. Folks who had not seen him in the stocks naturally presumed he was drunk, as he sometimes was.

Herkimer 9,3, and 11, along with Hannah 5 and 21, had trekked over from Retta City to see Raymond in his capacity as High Sheriff, to make a charge of Witchery against Sheridan, of Rendon. The basis for this charge, as it had been the last 71 times, was that Sheridan made a potent mixture of herbs and vegetables that, thus far could only be eaten by Burt, a known witch hunter and ne'er do well. Other people in Rendon Township and Retta City had tried to eat this mixture, resulting in a burned mouth and tongue for all but Burt. A few people, mostly from Retta City, had rumored it around that Burt could be a male witch, or worse yet, a Warlock. Nothing had ever come of these rumors, and no charges had ever been filed. Alas, the same could not be said of some of the Rendon ladies, Sheridan in particular. She had been spied upon so many times as she stirred her cauldron of bubbling red mixture that she had been forced to prevail upon Frank to build an enclosure for her 3 cauldrons so she could have some privacy whilst brewing her various mixtures, which were, co-incidentally, all red. The differences, according to Sheridan and Sharon E who had many times observed the brewing of the mixtures, was in the heat produced in ones mouth. Sheridan and Sharon E had been trying to come up with a word they could use to gain exclusive rights to the mixing of ingredients which resulted in the fiery red mixture. Some of the plants incorporated into the cauldron were not themselves red, but always resulted in a red mixture. Curtis, on more than one occasion, had given Sheridan plants that grew wild in his yard. At one point Curtis had cut some of the pods open and pulled out the seeds to plant, and it resulted in burned hands and fingers for Curtis, who since that time handled these pods only with wooden utensils, as he had used up all the udder balm available to soothe his hands. A lot of the Township people had eaten of the mixtures that were not hot, and Sheridan and Sharon could see an opportunity to sell some of the stuff. It was only the hot one that some believed was the devils own instrument

Retta City was populated with the dregs of society that had been driven out of Plymouth, and had taken Native American canoes (without permission, I might add) and followed the coastline South until they came upon the scuttled remains of the Galaxia. They went inland following what trail there was of the soon to be Rendoners. Their ilk were turned away from Rendon Township with a display of force, led in part by Carol, wife of James, who drove them with force Southward. After a few miles, the Rendoners left off, and the misfits started Retta City on the spot. Most were each others relatives, most were dumber than a rock, and all were bone lazy. The Retta City town saying was: "We were just born tired, and never have got over it" They were, however, scared to death of witches and witchcraft.

Martha set January 11,1510, as the hearing for Sheridan to ascertain if she would be tried for Witchcraft. The Rendoners, sometimes calling themselves Texerlyones, had made some friends amongst the Comanche, and they were always invited to Township gatherings. They spoke no English, and the townies spoke no Comanche, but it was the gathering that interested the Comanche. While no one knew it but the Indians, the Comanche were taking notes about what happened at these gatherings, how many white-eyes were present, and how much and what kind of armament they carried. The townies were blissfully ignorant of the intentions of the Comanche.

The hearing was taking place in The Longbranch Saloon, which was the largest building in the township. Sally's voice thundered through the building as she cried for quiet. The witness against Sheridan was brought forth and commanded to speak loudly and true, lest she (the witness) be not heard and taken out to the lashing post. Hannah 5 spoke out against Sheridan. She spoke that a week ago she witnessed Sheridan bewitching a goat named Samantha, and that the goat then disappeared and had not been seen since. Martha called for rebuttal, and Curtis stepped forth and stated that the goat Samantha had run behind one of the townships' outhouses and stepped right into one of Curtis' bear traps, and he was forced to kill Samantha and begin eating her that very day, lest the meat spoil. Further rebuttal brought Carol forth, stating that Curtis had left half a goat in her care to feed the needy, which she had done and the goat was now naught but a few bones, and a few bones had been given to Burt's dogs. The hearing had lasted but nine minutes when Martha declared that there was not reason enough to hold Sheridan for witchery. That brought a hue and cry from the Retturds, saying that Rendoners were afraid of Witches is why they wouldn't try one. Georgia, Gerry, and Robin jumped up as one, as as one voice spake these words: "We are not afraid of Witches, cause we don't believe in Witches."

Curtis was engaged in a project to see how much he could shorten the legs on two chairs in the Rendon Inn by shuffling them back and forth between tables. Someone had suggested that he might get Sheridan to shorten the legs using witchcraft, as Curtis had no saw. Curtis did believe in Witchcraft, as he had seen it used back in his misspent youth, and while he did not believe that Sheridan was herself a Witch, he still did not breakfast at her table at the Inn.

In two days time, another Retturd, Hannah 23, came forth to bring a new charge against Sheridan. Carol strapped on a brace of pistols and sallied forth to run this lying Retturd out of town or put an end to her life. Pat and Sharon V caught up with Carol and were beginning to calm her down when Darlene came on the scene and began agitating by saying she thought Carol was right, and that lying Retturd should be shot and then hung with a new rope. A crowd had begun to gather in front of The Tavern on the Square, and it was about evenly matched: half for forgiving, the other half for tar and feathers, hanging, stoning, and various other means of dealing with someone running off at the mouth. Michelle came out of the tavern and got her two cents worth in, and she was for letting the miscreant get back to Retta City in one piece and in reasonably good health. Calmer heads prevailed ( if not common sense) when Raymond threatened everyone with a night in the stocks if they didn't break it up and go home. Daryl pointed out that the township stocks could only house one person at a time, but the crowd did disperse.

Hannah 23 had the bit in her teeth though, and was not to be dissuaded. She charged that she, personally, had witnessed Sheridan, covered in the red salsa, chanting to Beelzebub, entreating him to make this batch of salsa just perfect. Martha was forced into another hearing to listen to the charge of Witchcraft against Sheridan. Martha instructed Raymond, in his official capacity as High Sheriff, to go forth into the countryside and all who were not townies were to be brought into Rendon Township in case it became necessary to scratch up enough people for a jury.

Several people in Rendon Township possessed communicators and they began notifying everyone they could think of about a possible Witch trial. (It would be a number of years before someone discovered you could talk through a wire, but since WE can't get by without a phone, why should they have to, so they had wireless already.) Witch trials were as popular here as they were on the East Coast, but the rails only went as far West as the Big Muddy River, so it wasn't likely that any Yankees would be attending a trial, if there indeed was a trial. Martha would appoint Jim H, Rex, and Pat J as Advocates for Sheridan, if it came to it. Linda would function as the court reporter if it came to trial. Traci, Judy, Nellie, and Donde were assigned to keep tight rein on Carol to make sure she did not carry her pistols into the courtroom, as some were afraid she might lose her temper.

Martha was forced to convene a trial when Hannah 17 and a soiled dove from the Long Branch both claimed to have seen Sheridan throwing dice to determine whether to add chips to the salsa.

Trial was set for January 31. The jury was to be comprised of Ann, Rene, Toby, Frank, Tom, Jose, Henry R, Bob C, Roy, Jay, Larry, and Robert. Jim E was to prosecute, and James would keep order and serve as bailiff. Curtis and Burt went afield to bring in enough game to feed everyone while the trial was underway.

Court convened at the pond where the ducking stool would separate the liars from the Rendoners. Sheridan was to be the first on the ducking stool, but as she was a member of The Wild Bunch, she knew how to manipulate the stool. The sheep bladder attached to the stool which floats to the surface to mark the stool's location, has a small garden hose attached to it, unknown to most. By taking the hose into one's mouth, a person can breathe quite well while under water. One only needs remember to breathe through one's mouth. Twenty beats of the drum without the duckee struggling to get loose, means the duckee told the truth to the question asked of him/her before he/she was ducked under. A struggling to get loose, or of course expiring before being brought up means the person surely lied. The townsmen, with long poles, acted as beaters and soon had enough ice broken off the pond to allow entrance of the ducking stool. Sheridan was asked if she was in league with the Devil, replied negatively, and was duly ducked under the water. At the twentieth beat on the drum, Sheridan was brought to the surface, smiling and waving to the crowd.

Hannah 17 was the placed into the stool and asked if she really saw Sheridan practicing Witchcraft. She replied in the affirmative with a loud hell yes. She was then ducked under water, and Chester began the drum beat and count. Chester can be distracted sometimes, and this was one of those times, when Kristin (with a K and an i)began to sashay toward the water bucket to get a drink. She was about half way there when Chester lost count somewhere around 11, picked up the count about 8, lost count again at about 16 when Kristin (with a K and an i) started back from the bucket, then picked up the count again at about 12. At 20, when Hannah 17 was raised out of the water, she was laughing out loud and giving the finger to the assembled township folk.

This had never happened before.(Not Chesters distraction,) but having both duckees emerge having told the truth. Martha ordered Raymond to closely inspect the ducking stool, then she said recess until everybody got to The Longbranch to convene court. Taking advantage of recess, Burt and Curtis went hunting again, hoping to get a hippopotamus for Carol to cook up. Martha ordered all the Retturds to accompany Michelle to the Tavern on the Square, The Wild Bunch to go into the Longbranch, and everybody else in town to follow Carol to the Township Inn.

With the township folk thusly divided, Martha began her questioning. It took but a few moments to ascertain that a former server at the Rendon Township Inn had let slip to someone outside the Wild Bunch that there was a hose attached to the stool that one could breath through. Hannah 17 possessed that knowledge when she was submerged. The Wild Bunch were all in agreement that the ducking stool verdict should be set aside, as it was blatantly unfair of a Retturd to use that knowledge, and further that since Sheridan was widely known, her veracity was not in question, and Hannah 17 should be made to prove she was not lying by facing Carol in a duel. The town would be fair, as it was known that practically no Retturds had access to a firearm. Henry R had a brace of dueling pistols, seldom used, which the township would let Hannah use one of, her choice. Carol would use her own 9mm. Jim E was of the opinion that would just delay things too long, and Rendon should just tell the jurors that they, one and all, were long time friends of Sheridan, and should just say not guilty. That seemed eminently just, and The Wild Bunch vote for that was unanimous.

The trial was now underway. Hannah 23 restated that she had seen Sheridan communicating with the devil. Hannah 17 restated that she saw Sheridan throwing dice, which was Satan's game. Sheridan rebutted by saying that she was in fact, asking God's blessing for her salsa, so that it could be enjoyed by all, not just Burt. She further stated that she had fried some corn meal and cut it into cubes to dip in her salsa, and was simply spreading the cubes out to dry. The court was recessed for the jury to deliberate and return with a not guilty verdict.

Curtis and Burt had not located a hippopotamus, but were able to bring in three large grasshoppers, which was enough for a town bar-b-cue. Curtis had shot two of the hoppers with his .32 caliber muzzleloader, while Burt shot the other one with a .458 Winchester Magnum. The jury brought in a not guilty verdict, and as Burt was congratulating Sheridan, Curtis began to wonder how they managed to get those grasshoppers, in the dead of winter, and couldn't help but wonder if Sheridan had somehow made those hoppers come out at this time of year.  NAH!!

Gemini Man

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