TRUE ???? # 33

 In the last issue, I did not relate a heroic act by Chester saving a damsel in distress, thinking to save him possible embarrassment from people fawning over him and offering to buy him drinks, etc, etc. etc. I believe enough time has now passed that I can relate his deed, and state that because of his heroic actions I have recommended him to be knighted, whence he will become Sir Chester of Rendon.

     As Virginia was leaving the cafe, she jumped back and screamed "Chester, come here. Quick."

Chester vaulted out of his booth and ran for the door, jumping over a table on the way. He skidded to a stop in the doorway just short of colliding with Virginia, and was immediately attacked by a spider wielding a switchblade knife.

      Chester quickly took off one of his tenny runners and blocked a vicious slash from the blade. As you all know, Chester refuses to carry a gun to deal with spiders and snakes and criminals bent on robbery and such, but he employs his car keys as weapons, a la McGuyver. In very short order he had the spider subdued, and if you have not gotten a good look at Chester's keyring, there are 4 VERY small pairs of handcuffs there to deal with those 8 legged varmints, so Chester cuffed the arachnid to the front door knob.

      He and Virginia started back to the booth, Chester on his cell phone calling the sheriff's office, whenCarol came out of the kitchen, marched to the front door, and after making sure she had a clear field of fire, she emptied her 9mm into the spider. After a quick call to Doors R' Us, Carol said to the customers at large: "We don't take prisoner's".

Gemini Man

Copyright 2011

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TRUE ???? # 32

TRUE ????               # 32

     Carol closed up shop for one day to attend a food convention. I think the girls also attended, tho I have not been told whether coercion was a factor. Carol entered into negotiations with Ben E. Keith for some hippopotamus for the cafe, and they kept telling her "it's out of season, or regulations won't permit, or we can't find Africa, and other such nonsense until Carol finally laid down the law, and said "You will either supply Rendon Cafe with the hippo's we need, or you will furnish Rendon Cafe employees with Ben E. Keith T shirts in perpetuity, or until Curtis shoots a hippo, whichever comes first." The fact that the girls are wearing those T shirts shows just how Carol can't be trifled with.

     Sheridan heard that you can clean your eyeglasses in a washing machine just like you can your socks, so she gave it a try, but said she won't do it again cause it made her nose hurt.

     Chester came in with very dark glasses on, saying his doctor told him not to get in the sun without those glasses. Roy said he always knows what's going on with Chester by looking in his eyes, so now his only guage is how much Chester's head is glowing.

     Heather passed by my coffee cup (which was by the way, laying on it's side) 3 times before she noticed it. When she picked it up, I said "Not to worry. It's only been 22 minutes on it's side," whereupon she immediately took the clock off the wall in the kitchen. Now Carol thinks Burt is a clock watcher.

     Roy said before he dies, he wants an electric car, and a windmill to generate his own electricity. He read TRUE ???? for the first time that day, so if he decides to read another issue, here's how he can solve his problem.

First thing to do is strip down a car to get rid of all the excess weight, such as engine, transmission, differential, mufflers, catalytic converters, gas tank, brakes, etc. Some of the essentials you won't want to be without, such as cup holders and air conditioner, which will of course have to be converted to A.C. Mount your windmill directly to the car, putting one leg of the tower over each of the 4 wheels on the car, for equal weight distribution. Don't skimp on the duct tape, as you want a solid hookup. Buy 167 Mag Lite flashlights. They are extremely strong, and very light weight, which is what we want. Each of those Mags holds 4 Dcell batteries, which will power your CD player, and the windmill will recharge the batteries, wired up with baling wire. The windmill provides the power to make the car go, with some power left over. The only drawback to this design, is in the delivery of the windmills power to your house to make the lights work.
This will require that you move to West Texas so there is ample wind to generate electricity as well as push the car. Be sure you have an ample supply of extension cord, so you won't get caught out somewhere without enough cord to reach your house from wherever you might happen to be, else your lights might go out at home.

Curtis told me this morning that he missed a coyote. With a rifle. With a scope on it. Do you think it might be just barely possible that the reason he hasn't gotten a hippopotamus is because ????????????????


     I know it seems hard to believe, but Curtis found a rock in the parking lot and brought it into the cafe. I suggested we have a celebration, but Curtis thought his rock wasn't pesentable enough for celebration, so he asked James if he would wash the rock. James replied "of course" and took said rock into the kitchen. He returned shortly with a rock with a shine on it, and a smile on it's face, which it now has. Since Curtis had ripped the rock away from all it's kith and kin, James, to make sure it wasn't lonely or homesick, ensconced it in a bed of lettuce, and you could tell by the smile on it's face it thought it was back in a field. A fieldstone, as it were.


Gemini Man
Copyright 2011

geminiauthor.blogspot.com

TRUE ???? # 31

TRUE????     # 31

Once again, Pat has come through, and the results of The Wild Bunch background checks are in. We know with certainty that Pat would not lie, so here they are, from her research to my computer, un edited and unvarnished.

JIM ELLER-unblemished record. 6 aliases have checkered pasts, however. Big Jim Relle, the worst of them, was once a used-car salesman and con man. He has remained unconvicted, but used car salesman is a heavy burden.


SHARON ELLER-that name is clean, but Shoran Relle, in college, snorted Dr.Pepper, and smoked a 5 coffee blend. She wrote an underground paper called: "I'm a pepper, wouldn't you like to be a pepper too"?

JIM H & DARLENE H-Not too bad under their real names, but Pat gave up after finding 16 aliases and only listed the worst. Mr. and Mrs. Happygolucky sold gold mines, promising "there is no gold in them, but you MIGHT find sawdust, which we all know is the platinum of the future."

JAY SMITH is the alias, whose real name is Norville Pelosi, and he's desperately trying to live it down. He would have pretended adoption, but then he would have been a Clinton.

LISA- Jay Smiths "strong arm" girl, who hands Jay a bullet to bite every time someone mentions "Pelosi".  He bit through so many .45's, she now uses .50 BMG.

CHESTER R-this is another unblemished name, but when the name Mr. Dillon comes up, this barber shows up and shaves everybody's head, then sets fire to the hair. They can't pin him down, cause he knows every fireman on the planet.

SALLY R-yet another name with no strikes, but of her 11 aliases, Wonder Woman is an outlaw biker who rides the "owlhoot trail" with known Hell's Angels. She was incarcerated once, but got out by pretending not to know Chester.

SHARON V-(possibly an undercover Homeland Security Agent, assigned to keep tabs on the pyromaniac barber.) She is not allowed a firearm and live ammo, but must throw rocks.

SHERIDAN-Turns out she really IS a witch. Has beat the rap no fewer than 73 times over the last 409 years. When asked to show I.D., she's fond of showing her first drivers license, which has an issue date of 1617.

JERI B-One of Sheridans "familiars", who has been instrumental in getting Sheridan freed 68 of those times. She would have a perfect "freed" record, but was vacationing in the South of France those other times.

DONDE----A "witch-in-training", helps keep Sheridan from "the Stake". She will get her "Witches Wings with Cauldron Cluster" in 2020.

PAT J & NELLIE J-were once suspected of "fixing" a horse race. Charges could not be brought because the horse in question LOST the race. They claimed they were trying to fix the horse, not the race. The horse had a 2.380 blood alcohol content.

Last but not least, Pat has confided that she hopes to retain her position in the Wild Bunch, since she IS the daughter of some of them. She is related to some of them. She is lifelong friends to ALL of them. She only did what she is paid to do; she is a professional, after all.  She believes her transgressions will be forgiven, and though the "bunch" might decide a light punishment is in order, she hopes her relativity will be taken into consideration, and she is a professional, after all. it will be nothing more than a light beating about the head and shoulders, she is a professional, after all, and her OWN background check was included in the report to me.

This is the UNEDITED background check on PAT R.



PAT R- Back to the day of her birth, nothing was found that would indicate that she is anything less than pure as the driven snow.







Gemini Man     copyright 2011

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Become a FOLLOWER. Be alert. This country needs more lerts. Already have too many leaders.

TRUE ???? # 30

TRUE  # 30

Carol has bought some new stuff for the cafe, one of those things shows graphically how much thought Carol puts into making sure she has everything she needs to operate efficiently. If one looks at the East wall, you will notice a new clock on said wall. In case of emergency, as in an influx of customers unexpected, one may simply break a spoon and/or a fork off the new clock if a shortage of silverware occurs. Now that is advance planning.

A few mornings ago, I was invited, repeatedly , and finally at gunpoint, to join The Wild Bunch at their tables for breakfast. I was blindfolded and searched, then made to sit between Darlene and Lisa. I think they may have been looking for a listening device, as I was armed, but they made no move to disarm me. After a few minutes they took the blindfold off, and said I could speak. I ordered a hubcap and bacon, and was then told I could speak to them, not Heather. I said: "I appreciate ya'll buying me breakfast this way," and Jim E. said: "It's my birthday, and if anybody's getting a free breakfast, it'll be me."  Can't argue with that logic at all, so I told Jim Happy Birthday.

Then I asked if that invitation meant I was being inducted into The Wild Bunch. Some of them said yes, some didn't say anything at all, and one person said I might get a bad reputation if I accepted, then someone else suggested an Honorary Membership. That sounded o.k., and I thought that might give me time to have background checks run on all of them, to make sure my Sterling Character could not be besmirched. The Wild Bunch has it's own "background checker", Pat, but I am almost nearly 50%
half-sure that Pat's being a Wild Buncher would nearly have maybe practically next to nothing in her sworn duty to give me honest results in a background check on her Father, her Mother, all her best friends that she grew up with, and their spouses.
I'll let you know how that turns out.

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TRUE ???? # 29

There was some discussion the other day on the correct spelling of a Mexican dish made with tortillas, eggs, sausage, cheese, onions, and jalapenos.(wusses can have the jalapenos left off, if need be) Curtis said it should be spelled QUESIDILLAS. I said QUESEDILLAS. Curtis won the argument and it was offered on the chalk board as QUESIDILLAS. Later, at home, I told Linda that I wasn't absolutely sure that it shouldn't have been spelled with an A, and not an E or an I. She looked it up, and as we should have expected, Curtis and I were both wrong. Henceforth, it will be spelled correctly, QUESADILLAS (with an a and 2 ll's)

You know the old saying: What can go wrong, will go wrong. Well, Murphy was doing his thing last weekend, when the cafe was full to overflowing with customers, and the credit card machine was planning to take the day off, until customer Michael F. decided  that wasn't going to happen, so while Heather was busy with other things, Michael made the machine behave and start acting like it should, so the machine started  taking money from customers for Carol to spend, and issuing those little paper slips that tells a customer how much money he spent on what, and when.

Jim E. started building a new house out of golf balls. When I first heard of this, I was thinking along the lines of of a 12inch by 12inch sparrow house, or goldfinch or something, but I got a glimpse of the plans the other day when he was showing them to Chester and Curtis. Chester was saying he thought there was going to be a problem plumbing a 3700 square foot house with 3/8 inch PVC. Jim countered by saying he was building the house out of golf balls so he could vacation at Machu-Pichu next year. He puts his boat in the lakes on various golf courses (at night, of course) and drags a minnow seine around catching lost golf balls. I knew another guy who did that, but he just cleaned up the balls and sold them back to the people who knocked them into the lake to begin with. Seems a few months ago Jim got a really good deal on some military surplus super glue. He got nine 55 gallon barrels full of super glue for $2.98, plus $718.98 for S&H. It was tax free, being surplus and all. He figures to build the whole shebang for under $1000.00, if he stays with 3/8inch PVC plumbing and puts Pat in charge of keeping the walls plumb as they go up. He plans to build it in sections, putting golf balls on a 4 ft.x 8 ft sheet on plywood, then standing it up. When I suggested he just use the plywood and leave off the golf balls, he said that would be cost prohibitive, as he's only going to use the one sheet of plywood. Pat will put the super glue on a ball, then stick another one to it. Put it on the wood and then stick another ball to it, and so on. When the sheet is full of golf balls, she then only has to stand it up. and make sure the glue is dry before letting the plywood drop, then start the next one. I can see where wind could be a factor.

Gemini Man

Copyright 2011

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TRUE???? HEAD SHED # 7

I have not been into the Head Shed for a while, but I did run into Doctor Blanca-Vera at Rendon Cafe the other morning. She was with her husband, whom she did not introduce to me, probably because when I called her Chica, she probably thought I was confusing her with her sister Chica.. Not so. I was merely trying to put one over on God and get Doctor Blanca-Vera put into the "annointed one" category as her sister is, so she couldn't be mistaken for a loose woman. It did not work, so either you cannot fool God or you must be a priest to "annoint" someone. I will have to find out how Chica accomplished that.

Doctor Blanca-Vera told me she was not Chica, which I knew, and that she was the Phsychiatrist, which I also knew. Her husband told me that he had altered a sign at the Head Shed by affixing an arrow to the "loose women-pickpocket sign" to direct one's eye to Sharon-Michell-Alice when you read the words Loose Women, to lessen the stigma on Doctor Blanca-Vera, which I did not know. I also did not know there was any stigma attached to one's being known as "a loose woman". Historically, most of the women who have made great accomplishments in different fields of endeavor have been loose women.

Joan of Arc's battlefield accomplishments were unmatched even by most men, and Joan was as loose as a goose and crazy as a bedbug. Everybody knows that Carrie Nation always downed a fifth of red-eye before taking her hammer into the saloons and busting them up. Florence Nightingale mended broken bodies relentlessly, and practically everybody knows about Hillary.

Maybe we could start a class for loose women, instructing in all the finer points, and removing the stigma. like an exorcism. Sharon-Michelle-Alice could tell us what things to leave, and which to get rid of. Maybe one could be another Joan of Arc' without killing everyone in sight and being a full bubble off plumb. This may sound a little radical, even for TRUE????, but maybe Sharon-Michelle-Alice could become the first loose woman priest. I'll vote for her. We could start a new political party. Women for abolishing stigma attached to loose women, or WFASATLW, for short.


Gemini Man
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TRUE # 28

Roy drove to the
cafe the other day on his tractor. I expect that soon Curtis will see that as some sort of challenge, and drive his own tractor up to the cafe. If this were Indiana or some other place far removed from the Mason-Dixon line or the Chisolm Trail, one might expect to see tractors engaging in pulling contests. Up there where they have all the corn and wheat in the world, a tractor could be expected to excel at pulling. Here though, speed is the norm, as we use tractors for racing and hunting., At the moment, Curtis is the King of the Grasshopper hunts with a tractor, but it could just be that Roy has decided to unseat Curtis, and has thrown down the guantlet,

Roy's tractor is at the moment outfitted with hay gathering equipment, but I believe it only takes a short time to put on the grasshopper calls, herding panels, bells, whistles, klieg lights, and a couple of extra large Conibear traps, to make it ready for North Texas Grasshopper hunting. I don't know how evenly the tractors are matched for speed, but Roy does have a street rod, though he denies driving it fast, but he at least knows what speed is. More details will be forthcoming as I learn more about Roy and Curtis' intent.

Carol broke her eyeglasses in a recent soccer match with a diving headbutt to the ball that prevented a score from the opposing team. Her optometrist has let her down with replacement glasses, so she's been trying to repair the broken frames, which broke the glasses in half between the nose pieces. I suggested 2 monacles, but she has to squint too much for that, so here is my next best suggestion.

Put a one inch long piece of duct tape, sticky side up, on a bare table. Have a second, matching piece of tape ready at hand. Lay both halves of the glasses on their lenses, earpieces pointed up, on the first piece of tape, centering the break in the frames in the middle of the tape. Carefully place the second piece of tape sticky side down over the broken frames, keepin the two pieces of tape aligned along the edges, with the broken frame sandwiched in between. You will need a helper to carefully lift the glasses by the earpieces, making certain to maintain alignment. Then staple the two pieces of tape together with the frame break evenly spaced between the ends of the staples. This will require 4 staples. One below the crosspiece, one above, on the inside of the glasses, and the same on the outside of the glasses. These staples will keep the broken ends of the crosspiece pulled together. Lay the glasses back down, on the lenses, earpieces pointing up. Take several wraps of duct tape, this time with the edges of the tape next to the lenses wrapping the tape around the broken crosspiece, between the nosepieces. Select a rubber that is large enough to put over the earpieces just behind the hinges. The rubber band keeps tension pulling the broken pieces of the crosspiece together, The band must be large enough to go over the bill of your ball cap from the top of the glasses, and under your nose from the bottom of the glasses. Adjust the tension so the side of the rubber band under your nose does not pull the glasses down too far, nor the part over the bill of the cap pull up too far. One downside to this method is that it kinda makes the glasses stay with the ball cap, but that's not really a problem unless you lay the cap down and then sit on it. This process has not been submitted to Red Green for evaluation, but I feel certain it would meet nearly 1/2 of the 50% requirements for uses of duct tape.



Gemini Man
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