Thursday, April 18, 2013

TRUE ???? TOO # 5

4-15 -13

TRUE ???? TOO      # 5


Long ago, but not too far away, there was a restaurant called the Bella Vita, which loosely (very loosely) translated from Italian to American English means Good Life. For those of you who speak the King's English, as opposed to American English, just bear with me, cause the owner of Bella Vita, Luma Nescence, (which is NOT her real name, as I have to be paid to reveal real names)speaks fluent Albanian with a trace of New Jersey accent, but is coming right along on that Texas accent. I threatened to write a Texas/Albanian dictionary of all the dirty words in the world and publish it in TRUE ???? TOO, but Luma reminded me that Bella Vita is, after all, a family restaurant. I countered with " if they ain't heard it before, they don't know what it means anyway", and she responded with a string of Albanian words that I'm pretty sure meant "yeah, but you're trying to tell them what it means".Luma does not know that I have an inside source (named Knee ah) which is not her real name either, who supplies me with Albanian to Texas English translations. Using my fantastic memory I was able to relate to Knee ah, word for word what Luma had said to me. Knee ah said that that language was Greek to her, and unfortunately Greek is one of the few languages I do NOT speak, but the Quest for truth will continue.

There were about thirty of us sitting in one booth the other day, when Tammyammyammy (which is Not her real name either) said she would set up our usual table if someone would tell her where she put the three coffee pots, so she could make some more coffee before my cup ran out. Jim E (again not his real name) and I, being confirmed coffee drinkers, had used Crayolas to disguise two of the pots to look like cups, and were drinking from them while the remaining pot was stashed in the back by disguising it as a witches cauldron by Glenda, a good witch, and I promise again for the LAST time, the name disclaimer will NOT be used again.

The Wild Bunch is a "gang-lite" bunch of misfits and ne'er do wells who breakfast at Bella Vita every Tuesday morning to give a hard time to Luma (who was a passably good cook when she started cooking back in Albania for the family and hired hands who discovered how to grow pasta. I know that it is widely believed that either the Italians or the Chinese invented pasta, but the fact ???? is that pasta was discovered growing wild in an Albanian grape field. Two of the Nescents hired hands had been pulling up pasta for a couple of years to keep it from choking out the grape vines, and one blistering hot day they threw some of the pulled up pasta at a large vat that was full of rain water sitting in the hot sun all day. It changed almost immediately and got soft. One of the hands stuck a now-soft stick of it in his mouth and discovered it was quite tasty.  The other tried a taste, and said "needs salt". After some experimenting, they cut the Nescents in on their discovery, who immediately sent their daughter, Luma , to a culinary school in Paris. She soon surpassed the Chefs who ran the place, and decided she could do better. She took a train to New York, (which is VERY hard to do from Albania) She opened up an Italian restaurant in New York, but soon hungered for the West, and took a train to Texas from New York, which was much easier to do. Bella Vita 2 was the result of that trip. Now located in the bustling metropolis of Rendon City, which is located between Retta City and Everman. All of you who have read THE TRIAL-TRUE???? # 27. will know all about Retta City, but possibly be ignorant of Everman, which was shortened from "Ever man for himself" during the Native American uprising.(I promise, that will be the LAST politically correct statement you will ever read in this paper.)

One evening while Linda and I were having dinner, Triple T. (T.Tiny Tina) and I engaged in a conversation about the death penalty, which I support and T is against. When I asked her how she could think a miscreant should be allowed to live, she reminded me that she had not said that. She merely said she was against violence, but not necessarily against the threat of violence. When I asked to what ends, she said a miscreant should be forced, against his will and at gunpoint if necessary, to drink or eat poison. As long as THEY drank or ate it, it would not be violent, and a perfectly acceptable way for society to terminate their violent behavior.

Glinda is the good witch that hangs out with Hill and Russ in the back room, and as soon as I can figure how to put cameras in there, you will hear more about them, as you KNOW I wouldn't just make something up. One of those two of her cohorts was seen this morning taking something from a car that wasn't his, and putting it into a car that WAS his. Glinda was at the front window catching every move on a TV camera, so we may get to see him on the news, though I have absolutely no facts to anything.

I'm not sure if everyone knows about Goldilocks being a regular at Bella Vita, or even if they knew that she adopted an infant bear. Seems this family of bears were falling on hard times, and were about to fall into a life of crime stealing porridge, when they encountered Goldilocks and her husband, Lion Man. They proceeded to find jobs for the Papa bear and the Mama bear at a local Sam's Club. Unfortunately the pay is minimum, and barely covers rent, so the papa and mama bear were considering the Forest Park Zoo for the baby bear, but Goldi and Lion offered their home as a home for the three bears, as they had a bed that was big enough for all three of them. They were invited to stay until they could find better jobs, and meanwhile Lion and Goldi would be "Godparents" to the little one, and act as "surrogate" mother and father, as well as full time sitters. Goldi brings the little one to Bella Vita every time they come in for breakfast. I cannot relate to you the name of the little one, as I have not heard it, but we all know, I couldn't tell you what it's REAL name is anyway.

I was ratchet' jawin' the other morning and had no idea that Hottie Carol, from the Rendon Cafe, had come by, until Chester or somebody told me she had walked past me as she was leaving. If she had passed in front of me, I would have said "Hi, Hottie Carol", but as she was behind me I did not see her or even know she was there until somebody told me later. So, belated, "HI HOTTIE CAROL". If you come by Bella Vita again, stop by and I'll buy your coffee.

I guess the Gremlins are at it again. At breakfast the other day, there was a flash, and then I found out a little while later that a bulb had gone out in the kitchen. It was one of those 2 foot diameter jobbies that takes two men and a ladder to change, so Luma was busy making omelets and pancakes with Tammyammyammy holding up a Coleman lantern.
W W of the W writes notes to augment my fantastic memory in writing this paper. I fact, were it not for those notes, you would never hear of any happenings that happened BEFORE the day I sit down to write this. She handed me 4 pages of notes 3 or 4 days ago, so I'm pretty sure she expects this letter to be longer than usual, which it certainly will be. She wasn't there this morning, so she didn't see or hear this next, which means I MUST write it down NOW, or I might not remember it to relate it to her when she gets home from work this afternoon. My apologies if this seems somehow out of order, but I just promise TRUTH????, not continuity.

 This morning (Thu-4-18-13), Tammyammyammy ran out of the Kitchen screaming she was going to shoot something/someone in the hole if she could find a shotgun. I asked her what the problem was, and she said there was a bird in the ceiling whose noise was driving her crazy. As that could be a very short trip, I offered advice if nothing else. The offending bird was in the ceiling in the back, next to the kitchen. I told her to just take a broomstick and bump the ceiling below the bird. She did, and came running/screaming back into the dining room, closing the door behind her. She said the bird attacked her and she had to run for her life. I struggled out of my chair and peeked into the back room. Expecting a sparrow or some such, I was just a tiny bit surprised to see a 2 foot tall Falcon, about 3 feet of wing span. I decided that rather than deal with it my self, I would teach Tammyammyammy how to take care of this herself, in case it might happen again in the future. I just told Tammyammyammy to go back into the room, closing the door behind her, and open the outside door. She said she had opened the door a little bit already, so I told her to open it all the way. On her way to the back room, I heard another customer tell her to turn off all the lights when she opened the door. After being gone a few minutes, she returned breathless and scared witless. She said she didn't know if the bird got out, but she could still hear something moving in the room, so I went to check, which I did. When I returned, I asked her if the outside door could be closed from the outside, and she replied yes.
I then offered what I consider to be a perfectly logical solution. Close the back door from outside. Texas is a HUNTING state, whose hunters are accustomed to paying a fee to the landowner, or the lease holder. While outside, I discovered the door I had told her to open wide was a door that could admit a 2 ton truck. While outside, I could not ascertain whether the Falcon had escaped, but since the light had been turned off, the room was most certainly full of bats. FEE STRUCTURE: LIVE CAPTURE=$10.00 per bat---HUNTING=$5.00 per bat—tennis rackets ONLY (Not responsible for visits from PETA) FLASHLIGHTS and any other light device STRICTLY FORBIDDEN. Hunts could be advertised as Dangerous Game, since there is a slight chance of a bite from a RABID bat. This is TECHNICALLY correct, but also absolutely unethical, so I would advise against it   TAMMYAMMYAMMY's OPTIONS, NEEDING: House-Car-Boobjob..  COULD GET ---  TENT---BICYCLE---Forget boob job, get a bigger tent.

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