12-14-11
TRUE ???? # 45
This years TIBTACHPLF (The In Between Thanksgiving And Christmas Holiday Pot Luck Feast) was a big success, with 58 people showing up in festive mood. People came from as far away as Bogata and Retta City, and Chester and Sally cut short their Seminar, Haitian Voodoo-How it's practiced, where it's practiced, and how to remove a spell from yourself and transfer it to somebody you REALLY don't like, which was conducted in Haiti by Chester, Sally, and the Haitian Voodoo Priestess, Gertrude. They plan on bringing their seminar to Rendon as soon as they can get the discrepancies in Sally's Passport ironed out, meanwhile she has her birth certificate and work permit in order.
I heard someone ask Chester if those voodoo rituals really have naked people dancing to drumbeats around a fire, so It seems there is at least some interest in Voodoo rituals. Renato immediately volunteered to be the drummer if there was ever a ritual at the cafe, saying he had the only drum in Texas (or maybe even the whole Southwest) that was the Correct drum for that ritual. I told him he would have to check with "Hottie" Carol, since it is her cafe and she might not want somebody pounding drums in there, lest it might crack the plaster.
Turns out Carol "cleans up real nice", and she sported a new dress to the soiree instead of her Chef's uniform and big hat. She did have a big hat on for a while, but it was a cowboy hat, as it should be, and the dress could handle breakfast, lunch, dinner, an evening out on the town, and hunting on the weekend, as she almost disappeared when she stood up against the Christmas tree. It was o.k. with the cowboy boots, but we'll have to wait and see how "Hottie Carol" and her camo dress work with hunting boots. She said she could not wear that dress in the kitchen, cause in camo, not being able to see yourself and all, she'd be running into herself all the time. The dress is not really camo, but has an array of greens that do a good job.
Eddie D., Karen D, and Brad D came all the way from some Hill that is way to hell and gone somewhere South of Midlothian, where they have all those weird lights in the sky. I asked him about those lights, and he said they need more of them, so if you have any extra weird lights, send your excess to: Eddie D, somewhere, but not IN Midlothian. I'm sure he'd be appreciative.
Ron and Anne C flew in from Tyler to Dallas, then took the bus from Dallas to Rendon. I asked Ron if it shouldn't have been done the other way, and he said "NAH". He's trying to get a million miles on a bus since he retired. I think it's just possible he needs more to do, but Anne thinks he's afraid he might run off and join the Air Force again if he gets around an airplane too much.
Trish is the better half of Renato with the drum, who you've already met. Trish builds websites, working about 20 hours a day for herself, then she drinks a cup of coffee and works the other 20 trying to keep Google afloat. Since I know everything there is to know about computers, I rarely ever have to call her up at 2:00 a.m. to find out why my computer is not doing whatever it is not doing at the time.
***I asked Hottie Carol if she's going to continue having these informal get togethers, and she didn't know. She's been doing her 7 days a week thing for over a year, and she might be nearing
Page 2
burnout. She probably needs to relax and regroup.***
We know from experience that she don't do well in an airplane, so she should probably take a cruise to the Caribbean so she can learn some Haitian Voodoo. Then she could help Chester and Sally and Voodoo Priestess Gertrude with their Voodoo Rituals. There's this Romanian/German/Brazilian/American/Gypsy/Texan drummer boy I know who has the proper drum and would be happy to help out.
I was really surprised at how many people were there that could not tell the Hippo meat from the ham. Hippo doesn't taste anything like ham. Looks like it, but tastes like chicken. I thought one of the birds was Madagascar pigeon, but Jim assured me that both birds were in fact turkey, as advertised. There wasn't much of anything left over, so I guess everybody thought everything tasted fine.. That's not really a surprise, since there are some damn good cooks among those folks attending the TIBTACHPLF. I ain't one of them, contrary to what somebody told Sheridan, saying that I made that chocolate dessert. That was Linda's, I just put the recipe in one of the issues of TRUE ???? My idea of "cooking" for a two week hunting trip is a case of Wolf brand Chili, and a case of toilet paper. "Nuff said.
Jim E wants to try his hand at grilling a Nile crocodile, and wants to know if anybody has a 16 foot long rotisserie he might borrow. Curtis says he's pretty sure the Nile River runs along the Eastern edge of his deer lease, and he'll try to bag a croc for the pot. He said he had bagged a hippo for the cafe, and while he was rounding up enough help to help with the field dressing, a band of County Cork "little people" absconded with it, leaving in it's place a pot of gold, which Curtis immediately threw in the river, "little people" gold being cursed and all. We could probably have used the gold to buy a croc and a hippo, then had Sheridan give the curse to some Retturds as a Christmas present from all of us.
Gemini Man
Geminiauthor.blogspot.com
Copyright 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
TRUE ???? # 44
12-14-11
TRUE ???? # 44
I told Sharon E, that I would figure out a way for her to drive, without having to buy a vehicle with hand controls. The prototype works well, I think, but Jim might have another viewpoint. Bringing the food to the cafe for the potluck, she drove from her house, which I did not see so therefore cannot verify, and had no problems. She pulled into the cafe parking lot without difficulty, cut three or four donuts, then parked in the handicapped slot,without knocking down the sign, I might add. When I asked for the reason for the donuts, her explanation satisfied me, but Jim might not concur. Sharon knows how to drive and everything, but can't feel her feet with the pedals. Here is how she and I solved the problem, realizing of course that Jim might want to tell a different version.
Can't feel your feet = not knowing how much pressure to apply to the gas pedal and the brake pedal. Since I subscribe to the KISS method for doing most everything, that's what I applied here. (For those who may not be acquainted with the KISS method, it means Keep It Simple, Stupid.)
I converted her vehicle to hand controls for about $4.00 for twine, a couple of eye-bolts, and a couple of small pulleys. Jim drilled the holes in her feet cause I didn't have a drill. We installed one eye bolt in each of her feet, halfway between the ankle and the toes for balance. We decided the pulleys weren't going to work, so we'll save them for another project. Then we tied a big (really big)knot in one end of the twine, pulled the line through the eye-bolt in her right (gas pedal) foot up to the knot, which prevents the twine from going all the way through the eye-bolt. Then we cut the twine to a proper length to reach and tie to, her right arm. We first took the twine up through the steering wheel, but then discovered that made her pedals do strange things every time she turned the wheel, so outside the steering wheel is the way to go.
Then we just repeated the procedure for the left (braking) foot. Since you never have to use the brake and the gas pedal at the same time, she is always left with one arm to steer with. Very simple. To go, let your right arm(gas pedal arm)down toward the steering wheel. To slow, raise your arm up a little. Braking is even easier. Remember, she can feel and use her leg. Just step on the brake pedal and push down until the damn thing stops.
Donuts? Jim was little worried as she pulled into the parking lot and stepped out before the vehicle stopped completely. Sharon wanted to see if he could reach back in and grab a turkey before she had to park.
Gemini Man
geminiauthor.blogspot.com
copyright 2011
TRUE ???? # 44
I told Sharon E, that I would figure out a way for her to drive, without having to buy a vehicle with hand controls. The prototype works well, I think, but Jim might have another viewpoint. Bringing the food to the cafe for the potluck, she drove from her house, which I did not see so therefore cannot verify, and had no problems. She pulled into the cafe parking lot without difficulty, cut three or four donuts, then parked in the handicapped slot,without knocking down the sign, I might add. When I asked for the reason for the donuts, her explanation satisfied me, but Jim might not concur. Sharon knows how to drive and everything, but can't feel her feet with the pedals. Here is how she and I solved the problem, realizing of course that Jim might want to tell a different version.
Can't feel your feet = not knowing how much pressure to apply to the gas pedal and the brake pedal. Since I subscribe to the KISS method for doing most everything, that's what I applied here. (For those who may not be acquainted with the KISS method, it means Keep It Simple, Stupid.)
I converted her vehicle to hand controls for about $4.00 for twine, a couple of eye-bolts, and a couple of small pulleys. Jim drilled the holes in her feet cause I didn't have a drill. We installed one eye bolt in each of her feet, halfway between the ankle and the toes for balance. We decided the pulleys weren't going to work, so we'll save them for another project. Then we tied a big (really big)knot in one end of the twine, pulled the line through the eye-bolt in her right (gas pedal) foot up to the knot, which prevents the twine from going all the way through the eye-bolt. Then we cut the twine to a proper length to reach and tie to, her right arm. We first took the twine up through the steering wheel, but then discovered that made her pedals do strange things every time she turned the wheel, so outside the steering wheel is the way to go.
Then we just repeated the procedure for the left (braking) foot. Since you never have to use the brake and the gas pedal at the same time, she is always left with one arm to steer with. Very simple. To go, let your right arm(gas pedal arm)down toward the steering wheel. To slow, raise your arm up a little. Braking is even easier. Remember, she can feel and use her leg. Just step on the brake pedal and push down until the damn thing stops.
Donuts? Jim was little worried as she pulled into the parking lot and stepped out before the vehicle stopped completely. Sharon wanted to see if he could reach back in and grab a turkey before she had to park.
Gemini Man
geminiauthor.blogspot.com
copyright 2011
Friday, October 28, 2011
TRUE ???? # 43
TRUE ???? # 43
***** Remember, when you see the stars, what follows is TRUE, no S??t.
The cafe's annual fall get together pot luck supper, this year called: "The In-Between Thanksgiving and Christmas Holiday Pot Luck Feast", ( TIBTACHPLF) will be held TUESDAY, DECEMBER 13. Bring a dish and $3.00 per person. Get particulars and sign up at cafe. *****
The Semi-Wild Bunch (if they are not all present, then they are only a semi-wild bunch) were in the back room this morning, so I went back and told them I was on a fact gathering mission, and couldn't sit down and visit. I asked them several questions, which they answered with alacrity and without hesitation. I knew what their answers would be, but I'm forced to act like all journalists and overlook the news while printing the "fluff". Suffice it to say, the "semi-wild bunch had nothing to hide, and I wasn't looking for anything anyway.
The same cannot be said of Carol. This morning, (another "this morning," and not the same one as above.), I saw Carol leave the cafe carrying two very large purses. I asked her if she couldn't find a bigger purse, and she said "no", glibly. That made me suspicious. We all know Carol doesn't do "glib". One of these purses would have held the left-over luggage that wouldn't fit in a Volkswagon, and the other one would have held the Volkswagon. During the course of the day, I skulked, sneaked, followed, and largely went un-detected. Carol teamed up with Jim and Sharon, Pat, Chester and Sally, and went to the "back 40" of the property of one of the Wild Bunch. I was unable to ascertain which of the "bunch" owned the property, but Jay met them there, so it might be his property.
All of them gathered at a HUGE, dead Live Oak tree. Carol, Sharon, Pat, and Sally climbed up the tree, some going higher than others, until they were strung out from about 6 feet off the ground nearly to the top. Jay, being the tallest, handed something up to the lowest in the tree, which was passed on up the chain to near the top. I could see each item passed up was attached to a rope so that it was a string of whatever it was all tied together, while Sharon, who was the uppermost in the tree was putting each item into a hole in the tree, and presumably lowering it down inside the tree on the rope. Luckily I had on my camo clothes, so the bunch couldn't see me as I sneaked to within a few yards of the happening.
It then became clear that all the items going into the tree were non-perishable things from the cafe. Coffee, flour, beans and such. I crept away pondering (this is one of those times when I ponder) what was going on. Later in the day, a thought came to me. I should have asked the semi-Wild Bunch if they were hoarding stuff. I believe they would have told me the truth just like they always do and said: "Yes, we are hoarding stuff." If I had done that, you'd be reading the whole truth and not my supposition. As it is, I can only surmise that The Wild Bunch have figured out that a depression is coming, with food in short supply, and if that happens, hoarding would be illegal. So, while hoarding is NOT illegal, they are squirreling away stuff the cafe will need to keep feeding us in the manner to which we have become accustomed.
Carol, remember I like Extra crunchy peanut butter.
Gemini Man
Copyright 2011
Geminiauthor.blogspot,com
***** Remember, when you see the stars, what follows is TRUE, no S??t.
The cafe's annual fall get together pot luck supper, this year called: "The In-Between Thanksgiving and Christmas Holiday Pot Luck Feast", ( TIBTACHPLF) will be held TUESDAY, DECEMBER 13. Bring a dish and $3.00 per person. Get particulars and sign up at cafe. *****
The Semi-Wild Bunch (if they are not all present, then they are only a semi-wild bunch) were in the back room this morning, so I went back and told them I was on a fact gathering mission, and couldn't sit down and visit. I asked them several questions, which they answered with alacrity and without hesitation. I knew what their answers would be, but I'm forced to act like all journalists and overlook the news while printing the "fluff". Suffice it to say, the "semi-wild bunch had nothing to hide, and I wasn't looking for anything anyway.
The same cannot be said of Carol. This morning, (another "this morning," and not the same one as above.), I saw Carol leave the cafe carrying two very large purses. I asked her if she couldn't find a bigger purse, and she said "no", glibly. That made me suspicious. We all know Carol doesn't do "glib". One of these purses would have held the left-over luggage that wouldn't fit in a Volkswagon, and the other one would have held the Volkswagon. During the course of the day, I skulked, sneaked, followed, and largely went un-detected. Carol teamed up with Jim and Sharon, Pat, Chester and Sally, and went to the "back 40" of the property of one of the Wild Bunch. I was unable to ascertain which of the "bunch" owned the property, but Jay met them there, so it might be his property.
All of them gathered at a HUGE, dead Live Oak tree. Carol, Sharon, Pat, and Sally climbed up the tree, some going higher than others, until they were strung out from about 6 feet off the ground nearly to the top. Jay, being the tallest, handed something up to the lowest in the tree, which was passed on up the chain to near the top. I could see each item passed up was attached to a rope so that it was a string of whatever it was all tied together, while Sharon, who was the uppermost in the tree was putting each item into a hole in the tree, and presumably lowering it down inside the tree on the rope. Luckily I had on my camo clothes, so the bunch couldn't see me as I sneaked to within a few yards of the happening.
It then became clear that all the items going into the tree were non-perishable things from the cafe. Coffee, flour, beans and such. I crept away pondering (this is one of those times when I ponder) what was going on. Later in the day, a thought came to me. I should have asked the semi-Wild Bunch if they were hoarding stuff. I believe they would have told me the truth just like they always do and said: "Yes, we are hoarding stuff." If I had done that, you'd be reading the whole truth and not my supposition. As it is, I can only surmise that The Wild Bunch have figured out that a depression is coming, with food in short supply, and if that happens, hoarding would be illegal. So, while hoarding is NOT illegal, they are squirreling away stuff the cafe will need to keep feeding us in the manner to which we have become accustomed.
Carol, remember I like Extra crunchy peanut butter.
Gemini Man
Copyright 2011
Geminiauthor.blogspot,com
Saturday, October 15, 2011
TRUE ???? # 42
TRUE ???? # 42
SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY EDITION
Today marks the 1st year Anniversary of Carol's ownership of the Rendon Cafe. Breakfast this morning was followed by an anniversary cake which was very good, which is in keeping with all of the vittles prepared and served in her cafe.
To celebrate this momentous occasion, and commemorate her recent plane crash (she was NOT driving the plane), some of the Wild Bunch have decided that maybe she should learn how to fly, and maybe have her own plane, so she won't be at the mercy of those airlines. There were a lot of ideas kicked around, what kind of plane should she learn in, and maybe ultimately buy? Jim and Sharon suggested a Beechcraft. Jim and Darlene said maybe a DeHaviland Otter. Curtis and Linda put two cents in for a Cessna; Wayland and Jay both thought an F-18 Hornet was the way to go, while I personally favor the SR-71 Blackbird. (If you're going to fly, fly exceptionally FAST)
I received a phone call from the space station, and wondered who would be calling me from there at that hour. Turns out the call was from Chester in Pennsylvania, and he had the call routed all over Hell's half acre and then some to keep me from getting that Pennsylvania phone number. Someone from the Cafe had notified him about the maybe plans for the plane and Carol's maybe lessons. He wasn't happy about all our recommendations for a plane. He felt that Carol deserved the very best, and I told him that's why I wanted the SR-71 Blackbird, the fastest plane in the air which can't even be shot down by a rocket, cause a rocket can't catch it.
Chester said we weren't really concerned about Carol getting shot down, but he was thinking comfort. Further discussion with Chester revealed that he was looking into the future, as Carol expands her business, builds a larger building, etc.,etc.,etc. He thinks she should learn how to fly in a 787, so when she takes a jaunt, she can take all her customers with her. When I suggested that she needs a vacation from all of us, he replied:
"She just had a week or two South of Galveston, swimming and laying in the sun on the sand getting a nice tan. What more could she want?"
Gemini Man
copyright 2011
geminiauthor.blogspot.com
SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY EDITION
Today marks the 1st year Anniversary of Carol's ownership of the Rendon Cafe. Breakfast this morning was followed by an anniversary cake which was very good, which is in keeping with all of the vittles prepared and served in her cafe.
To celebrate this momentous occasion, and commemorate her recent plane crash (she was NOT driving the plane), some of the Wild Bunch have decided that maybe she should learn how to fly, and maybe have her own plane, so she won't be at the mercy of those airlines. There were a lot of ideas kicked around, what kind of plane should she learn in, and maybe ultimately buy? Jim and Sharon suggested a Beechcraft. Jim and Darlene said maybe a DeHaviland Otter. Curtis and Linda put two cents in for a Cessna; Wayland and Jay both thought an F-18 Hornet was the way to go, while I personally favor the SR-71 Blackbird. (If you're going to fly, fly exceptionally FAST)
I received a phone call from the space station, and wondered who would be calling me from there at that hour. Turns out the call was from Chester in Pennsylvania, and he had the call routed all over Hell's half acre and then some to keep me from getting that Pennsylvania phone number. Someone from the Cafe had notified him about the maybe plans for the plane and Carol's maybe lessons. He wasn't happy about all our recommendations for a plane. He felt that Carol deserved the very best, and I told him that's why I wanted the SR-71 Blackbird, the fastest plane in the air which can't even be shot down by a rocket, cause a rocket can't catch it.
Chester said we weren't really concerned about Carol getting shot down, but he was thinking comfort. Further discussion with Chester revealed that he was looking into the future, as Carol expands her business, builds a larger building, etc.,etc.,etc. He thinks she should learn how to fly in a 787, so when she takes a jaunt, she can take all her customers with her. When I suggested that she needs a vacation from all of us, he replied:
"She just had a week or two South of Galveston, swimming and laying in the sun on the sand getting a nice tan. What more could she want?"
Gemini Man
copyright 2011
geminiauthor.blogspot.com
Friday, October 7, 2011
TRUE ???? # 41
TRUE ???? # 41
Being well informed, as I'm sure you all are, ya'll probably already know this, but for those of you who for whatever reason do not know this, here's the scoop.
Quite some time ago, Carol had taken a vacation. I know that is hard to believe, as most of us have never known her to do anything but work, 24-7, 412 days a year. This particular year, she was flying (in an airplane) from somewhere to somewhere else, when the plane malfunctioned. A serious malfunction, as the pilot announced that there were enough parachutes for all 216 passengers and even all the crew, so the flight attendant (of course they were called stewardesses in those days) would be passing out the chutes, first class first, then business class, then economy, then destitute. Carol rarely flew, but when necessary, it was always first class.
Carol was amongst the first people to receive a parachute, along with a CD on how to operate it. She had sneaked her lap-top past the baggage check station, so did not have to wait in line for an Airline lap-top to become available. She zipped through the instructions, twice, but could not find any instruction on what to do if her chute did not open. Some wise-ass on her row said "pray", and she dismissed him with the one finger salute.
People began exiting the plane from both ends, and when she saw the pilot, co-pilot, navigator, and stewardess exit one right after the other, she decided she would rather stay with the plane until it got low enough she didn't have to depend on a maybe malfuntioning parachute opening for her to reach the water safely, so she would just jump out the door (sans parachute) when the plane got close enough to the water. When that time arrived, unfortunately, the plane was still doing about 200 miles an hour, and Carol had no desire to go skipping across the water about 180 miles an hour faster than she'd ever done on water skis, so she gritted her teeth and braced for impact.
The plane started disintegrating as soon as it touched the water, but Carol resolutely held on and was not thrown into the water. When the plane stopped, she was up to her hips in the water, both feet still firmly planted on the plane, and she decided to just step off when the water reached her chest. She was swimming about 5 seconds later, the plane was nowhere to be seen, and by swivelling around she could see land just a couple of hundred yards away, so she started swimming for it.
Carol being an excellent swimmer, and ocean currents being what they are, she reached the shore in just under 2 hours.
She lay for awhile on a sandy beach to catch her breath and get her bearings. When she stood up, she could see readily that this island would be more properly called an atoll. A very, very tiny atoll. No hotels. No boat docks. no trees. No nothing, in fact, which made it imperative that she be rescued soon. She dug out her cell phone, but there was no signal. She remembered that she and Pat used to play this game to see what they would do in case one of them ever got stranded on a desert atoll.
They had figured out that if one was stranded as she now was, she could simultaneously press the H, the E, the L, the P, it would send a GPS signal to the others phone, while at the same time sending her coordinates to the others (Pats) phone. She did this with complete confidence that it would work. She spent the rest of the day sunning various parts of herself.
Early next morning, Carol began to hear a droning sound. Scanning the skies in every direction, she finally saw a speck that materialized into a sea plane. It circled her position once then came into the wind and landed about 200 yards offshore. Without shutting down the motors, the pilot stepped out onto a pontoon, reared back, and threw something just as hard as he could toward the shore. It seemed to be heavy enough that it was only in the air for maybe 30 yards, then splashed down. Carol remembered the currents, and instantly began swimming toward the plane, which by this time was climbing lazily into the air. Carol filled the air with expletives, and strangling, realized she had to shut her mouth or else drown.
After a very brisk swim, she got back to the sand carrying what looked to be a magnum sized bottle of wine. While working the wire off the bottle, she was wondering why the hell Pat sent her a bottle of wine, and why didn't the pilot pick her up.
The cork blasted out of the bottle with a loud pop, and a Geni popped out of the bottle.
"You will be granted only three wishes, so decide carefully." said the Geni
"For my first wish," said Carol, "I want a motorboat, gasoline, and a map".
There was a lightning flash, a clap of thunder, and a boat was sitting at waters edge. Looking into the boat, Carol saw gasoline and a map. As she turned, the Geni disappeared back into the bottle saying "Your 3 wishes have been fulfilled. Good luck." and the bottle and the Geni disappeared in a puff of smoke.
Muttering "Why you SOB." she really got wound up when she looked into the boat again, and there was 1 gallon of gasoline, and a roadmap of Texas.
In typical Carol resolve, she put the gallon of gas in the tank, started up the boat, and headed north, hoping she'd come across some shipping before the gas ran out. As luck would have it, the very next day she spotted land dead ahead. She could see at a distance that it was a much larger piece of land than the atoll. She was pleasanly surprised when she bagan seeing signs that read "Galveston". She was close to one end of Galveston Island, so she gassed up the boat and motored around the end of the island, then pointed the nose toward Rendon. Of course, she got to Galveston proper a long time before she sold the boat and started hitching inland.
She had strangling Pat in mind when she walked into the cafe. As luck would have it, the cafe was closed and the owner was there. Carol knew him, and strangling Pat could wait, so she began to negotiate to buy the cafe with her boat money. They struck a deal, and Carol was so pleased to now own her own business she forgave Pat for the Geni episode.
She did, however, want to know what went on and why, so over coffee and cigars Carol asked Pat for an explanation. This is how it was told to me:
Pat: We heard on the news that the plane had gone down. I knew there was no way you were going to jump out of an airplane, so you'd be on it when it hit the water. The news said the plane went down about 4 miles from Galveston Island, near Cutthroat Spit. Dad had that Geni from when they were picking up tar balls down on the coast. I knew you'd be smart enough to ask for something that would get you off that sandbar, if that's where you were. I knew you'd be strong enough to get to Galveston, then on home by whatever means. While you were gone, Chester had a fight with his heart, and after a battle, Chester won. Guess it's a good thing Chester don't fight with a gun. Bob Cole also had a fight with his heart, and he also won. Of course Bob uses a gun, but he was out of ammo from fighting all those bees.
Carol: I can understand all that, but I do not understand why you sent a Geni instead of having the pilot pick me up.
Pat: You are in the peak of health, suntanned (probably all over) you've lost 20 pounds, your hair has sun streaks in it, and you really, really, really needed a vacation.
And that folks, is how Carol spent her summer vacation.
Gemini Man
copyright 2011
geminiauthor.blogspot.com
burconthomas@gmail.com
Being well informed, as I'm sure you all are, ya'll probably already know this, but for those of you who for whatever reason do not know this, here's the scoop.
Quite some time ago, Carol had taken a vacation. I know that is hard to believe, as most of us have never known her to do anything but work, 24-7, 412 days a year. This particular year, she was flying (in an airplane) from somewhere to somewhere else, when the plane malfunctioned. A serious malfunction, as the pilot announced that there were enough parachutes for all 216 passengers and even all the crew, so the flight attendant (of course they were called stewardesses in those days) would be passing out the chutes, first class first, then business class, then economy, then destitute. Carol rarely flew, but when necessary, it was always first class.
Carol was amongst the first people to receive a parachute, along with a CD on how to operate it. She had sneaked her lap-top past the baggage check station, so did not have to wait in line for an Airline lap-top to become available. She zipped through the instructions, twice, but could not find any instruction on what to do if her chute did not open. Some wise-ass on her row said "pray", and she dismissed him with the one finger salute.
People began exiting the plane from both ends, and when she saw the pilot, co-pilot, navigator, and stewardess exit one right after the other, she decided she would rather stay with the plane until it got low enough she didn't have to depend on a maybe malfuntioning parachute opening for her to reach the water safely, so she would just jump out the door (sans parachute) when the plane got close enough to the water. When that time arrived, unfortunately, the plane was still doing about 200 miles an hour, and Carol had no desire to go skipping across the water about 180 miles an hour faster than she'd ever done on water skis, so she gritted her teeth and braced for impact.
The plane started disintegrating as soon as it touched the water, but Carol resolutely held on and was not thrown into the water. When the plane stopped, she was up to her hips in the water, both feet still firmly planted on the plane, and she decided to just step off when the water reached her chest. She was swimming about 5 seconds later, the plane was nowhere to be seen, and by swivelling around she could see land just a couple of hundred yards away, so she started swimming for it.
Carol being an excellent swimmer, and ocean currents being what they are, she reached the shore in just under 2 hours.
She lay for awhile on a sandy beach to catch her breath and get her bearings. When she stood up, she could see readily that this island would be more properly called an atoll. A very, very tiny atoll. No hotels. No boat docks. no trees. No nothing, in fact, which made it imperative that she be rescued soon. She dug out her cell phone, but there was no signal. She remembered that she and Pat used to play this game to see what they would do in case one of them ever got stranded on a desert atoll.
They had figured out that if one was stranded as she now was, she could simultaneously press the H, the E, the L, the P, it would send a GPS signal to the others phone, while at the same time sending her coordinates to the others (Pats) phone. She did this with complete confidence that it would work. She spent the rest of the day sunning various parts of herself.
Early next morning, Carol began to hear a droning sound. Scanning the skies in every direction, she finally saw a speck that materialized into a sea plane. It circled her position once then came into the wind and landed about 200 yards offshore. Without shutting down the motors, the pilot stepped out onto a pontoon, reared back, and threw something just as hard as he could toward the shore. It seemed to be heavy enough that it was only in the air for maybe 30 yards, then splashed down. Carol remembered the currents, and instantly began swimming toward the plane, which by this time was climbing lazily into the air. Carol filled the air with expletives, and strangling, realized she had to shut her mouth or else drown.
After a very brisk swim, she got back to the sand carrying what looked to be a magnum sized bottle of wine. While working the wire off the bottle, she was wondering why the hell Pat sent her a bottle of wine, and why didn't the pilot pick her up.
The cork blasted out of the bottle with a loud pop, and a Geni popped out of the bottle.
"You will be granted only three wishes, so decide carefully." said the Geni
"For my first wish," said Carol, "I want a motorboat, gasoline, and a map".
There was a lightning flash, a clap of thunder, and a boat was sitting at waters edge. Looking into the boat, Carol saw gasoline and a map. As she turned, the Geni disappeared back into the bottle saying "Your 3 wishes have been fulfilled. Good luck." and the bottle and the Geni disappeared in a puff of smoke.
Muttering "Why you SOB." she really got wound up when she looked into the boat again, and there was 1 gallon of gasoline, and a roadmap of Texas.
In typical Carol resolve, she put the gallon of gas in the tank, started up the boat, and headed north, hoping she'd come across some shipping before the gas ran out. As luck would have it, the very next day she spotted land dead ahead. She could see at a distance that it was a much larger piece of land than the atoll. She was pleasanly surprised when she bagan seeing signs that read "Galveston". She was close to one end of Galveston Island, so she gassed up the boat and motored around the end of the island, then pointed the nose toward Rendon. Of course, she got to Galveston proper a long time before she sold the boat and started hitching inland.
She had strangling Pat in mind when she walked into the cafe. As luck would have it, the cafe was closed and the owner was there. Carol knew him, and strangling Pat could wait, so she began to negotiate to buy the cafe with her boat money. They struck a deal, and Carol was so pleased to now own her own business she forgave Pat for the Geni episode.
She did, however, want to know what went on and why, so over coffee and cigars Carol asked Pat for an explanation. This is how it was told to me:
Pat: We heard on the news that the plane had gone down. I knew there was no way you were going to jump out of an airplane, so you'd be on it when it hit the water. The news said the plane went down about 4 miles from Galveston Island, near Cutthroat Spit. Dad had that Geni from when they were picking up tar balls down on the coast. I knew you'd be smart enough to ask for something that would get you off that sandbar, if that's where you were. I knew you'd be strong enough to get to Galveston, then on home by whatever means. While you were gone, Chester had a fight with his heart, and after a battle, Chester won. Guess it's a good thing Chester don't fight with a gun. Bob Cole also had a fight with his heart, and he also won. Of course Bob uses a gun, but he was out of ammo from fighting all those bees.
Carol: I can understand all that, but I do not understand why you sent a Geni instead of having the pilot pick me up.
Pat: You are in the peak of health, suntanned (probably all over) you've lost 20 pounds, your hair has sun streaks in it, and you really, really, really needed a vacation.
And that folks, is how Carol spent her summer vacation.
Gemini Man
copyright 2011
geminiauthor.blogspot.com
burconthomas@gmail.com
Thursday, September 1, 2011
TRUE ???? # 40
TRUE ???? # 40
This was a comment made about # 39. If you comment you might get in print also.
"I have known Pat practically her whole life, and never heard her utter one expletive, much less one that would need to be deleted. Maybe this was one of those portions of TRUE ???? that isn't? She is fun, though, ranting and raving and foaming at the mouth while waving her arms about."
Gemini Man's comment about the comment:
"I have with my own eyes and ears, seen and heard Pat say no fewer than 6 (six) expletives in the space of less than a minute. While the 4 readers of TRUE ???? may doubt my veracity on the subject, I think you'll agree that Carol and Taylors' veracity is beyond question, and they were at this hearing.
I walked out the front door to go to the office, out back. The mercury thermometer (accurate) read 116 degrees. The walk to the office is approximately 40 yards. When I sat down in the office I realized I had left Linda's notes (for the newsletter) in the house. I walked the 50 yards back to the house and picked up the note pad. I noticed the fan in the living room was oscillating, so I picked up the remote to stop it. The remote, after several tries, would not stop the oscillation, so I pushed the button on the fan and that stopped it. I walked the 60 yards back to the office in the 120 degree heat, went in and sat down, looking at the fan remote in my hand. Walked the 80 yards back to the house and put the remote down and picked up the notebook. Without any distraction this time, I walked the 110 yards back to the office in the 140 degree heat. Sat down and wrote #40, quite similar to this one. I completed it, reviewed it, and was starting to put it on the Gemini Man blog when I realized I had not included the signature, address and copyright notice. I backed up to insert the stuff needed, and discovered that I had walked 2 1/2 miles in 165 degree temperature, written the # 40 issue, then deleted it without saving it either in the computer or on paper.
That is why you are reading this #40 now instead of the other # 40 I wrote a week ago.
I found out that when Donde is away and Gran Sheridan is in charge, the kids stay up late, cuss, drink, smoke, play poker and eat junk food. Sheridan uses Roy as their example, cause when he was younger, he did all those things, and he is being*inducted into the Brewer High School Hall of Fame, having been instrumental in that football teams' winning White Settlement's first District Championship. Sheridan does NOT know, however, that Roy DID NOT eat junk food, being a football player and all.
Sheridan told someone that Daryl was out gathering corn to feed the deer. I feel safe in saying Daryl already knows this, but see he reads this issue just in case.
They have started taking corn right off the cob, and even putting it in sacks to make it easier for us to carry it to the feeders, so we no longer have to go out and gather the corn, or plant a cornfield for them, either.
Gemini Man
Copyright 2011
geminiauthor.blogspot.com
burconthomas@gmail.com
This was a comment made about # 39. If you comment you might get in print also.
"I have known Pat practically her whole life, and never heard her utter one expletive, much less one that would need to be deleted. Maybe this was one of those portions of TRUE ???? that isn't? She is fun, though, ranting and raving and foaming at the mouth while waving her arms about."
Gemini Man's comment about the comment:
"I have with my own eyes and ears, seen and heard Pat say no fewer than 6 (six) expletives in the space of less than a minute. While the 4 readers of TRUE ???? may doubt my veracity on the subject, I think you'll agree that Carol and Taylors' veracity is beyond question, and they were at this hearing.
I walked out the front door to go to the office, out back. The mercury thermometer (accurate) read 116 degrees. The walk to the office is approximately 40 yards. When I sat down in the office I realized I had left Linda's notes (for the newsletter) in the house. I walked the 50 yards back to the house and picked up the note pad. I noticed the fan in the living room was oscillating, so I picked up the remote to stop it. The remote, after several tries, would not stop the oscillation, so I pushed the button on the fan and that stopped it. I walked the 60 yards back to the office in the 120 degree heat, went in and sat down, looking at the fan remote in my hand. Walked the 80 yards back to the house and put the remote down and picked up the notebook. Without any distraction this time, I walked the 110 yards back to the office in the 140 degree heat. Sat down and wrote #40, quite similar to this one. I completed it, reviewed it, and was starting to put it on the Gemini Man blog when I realized I had not included the signature, address and copyright notice. I backed up to insert the stuff needed, and discovered that I had walked 2 1/2 miles in 165 degree temperature, written the # 40 issue, then deleted it without saving it either in the computer or on paper.
That is why you are reading this #40 now instead of the other # 40 I wrote a week ago.
I found out that when Donde is away and Gran Sheridan is in charge, the kids stay up late, cuss, drink, smoke, play poker and eat junk food. Sheridan uses Roy as their example, cause when he was younger, he did all those things, and he is being*inducted into the Brewer High School Hall of Fame, having been instrumental in that football teams' winning White Settlement's first District Championship. Sheridan does NOT know, however, that Roy DID NOT eat junk food, being a football player and all.
Sheridan told someone that Daryl was out gathering corn to feed the deer. I feel safe in saying Daryl already knows this, but see he reads this issue just in case.
They have started taking corn right off the cob, and even putting it in sacks to make it easier for us to carry it to the feeders, so we no longer have to go out and gather the corn, or plant a cornfield for them, either.
Gemini Man
Copyright 2011
geminiauthor.blogspot.com
burconthomas@gmail.com
Friday, August 12, 2011
TRUE ???? # 39
TRUE ???? SPECIAL # 39
Curtis was making a mess on the table while Pat was cleaning the table. Pat folded a napkin, put it on the table, set Curtis' sweating ice water glass on it, then walked away. Curtis picked up the ice water, folded Pat's tip in half, then set the tip on the napkin and the icewater on the tip. Carol said, in her iciest voice: "Wait just a minute. We don't launder money here." Curtis immediately took the tip and put it in his pocket, replacing it with one that looked fresh off the press. He took pains to keep this one away from water, lest the ink run. He put this one on the table, and set a knife on it to keep it from blowing away. Pat mumbled something, and she can mumble with the best of them when she wants to.
Darlene and Jim came in with Darlene wearing a shirt that several of the ladies had good comments about it being so pretty, and Darlene started to take it off, but then said it was pinned at the top so she couldn't take it off. I don't know what that means, so that could be an acceptable excuse for not taking ones shirt off.
Some of the Cafe's other ne'er-do-wells and I are putting together a race between Jim, on his crutches, and Darlene on her walker. I got it right from the horses mouth (so to speak) that Jim can outrun Darlene, so the smart money is going to bet on Jim to win, and maybe even give odds.
For anybody who wasn't there, or just didn't know, we celebrated Carol's 60th birthday today. Sheridan drew the figure to put on Carol's cake. She said what was on it was a nekkid stick man figure, so she drew a nekkid female figure and said it was Carol. By the time it got on the cake it was Carol in her Chef's get-up, hat and all. The piece they served me had a cobra on it. Sheridan said that was Carol's leg with the foot on it, but I think Sheridan had taken a spoonful of that Habenero salsa she gave me and couldn't see through the tears in her eyes, cause it looked more like a cobra to me than a leg with a foot on it.
That Habenero salsa Sheridan and Daryl had bought at Cabellos thinking they had finally found one that was too hot for me. It was too hot for them. Now this salsa is not quite gates of hell hot, but it is right around the corner. I laced my Chef's salad with it tonight, and only had to have one glass of tea. Just to be on the safe side, though, Carol told Heather, Pat, and Taylor to always keep that salsa right next to the fire extinguisher in case it suddenly decides to spontaneously combust.
I didn't get to see all of Carol's table dance, cause she was behind me, but her shirt front was blossoming with hundred dollar bills and gold ingots, which James said she would not share with him. Maybe somebody got some video.
Pat had on her intimidating face tonight, and wouldn't put up with Curtis' shenanigans, at one point telling him to shut the (expletive deleted), and stop (expletive deleted), or else she would (expletive deleted), and he could (expletive deleted) and if he couldn't manage that, he could (expletive deleted) the next time. Carol heard the commotion and started helping Pat rip Curtis a new (expletive deleted). When she asked what (expletive deleted) started this, Curtis calmly explained that he was simply rubbing a dirt clod on the floor to make it smaller so the fan would make it roll around. Carol, having calmed down some, told Curtis that made perfect sense to her, so why had he not simply explained it to Pat that way? He said Pat is much more fun when ranting and raving and waving her arms around. Immediately prior to the next round of expletives deleted from Carol and Pat, the air actually turned blue.
Tonight after Linda and I had eaten and were sitting around jawing with Curtis, I saw Carol in the kitchen lean way over the trash can to the point where her head was inside the rim of the can. Curtis and I, being ne'er-do-wells, are not above hoo-rawin' Carol, cause she just gives it right back. I said: " If you're looking for silverware, be sure to mark it some way so we'll know where it's been. Carol said: "All of your silverware is right there in that bin that says "BURT" on it. That's so I'll know where all of yours has been." Curtis said: "Is my silverware included in that?" "Of course not." replied Carol "That would be unsanitary. You know we can't have that. You each have your own bin for the ride through the car wash to do ya'lls dishes."
The way she said "yall's" brought back to mind an old, old saying. " Don't (expletive deleted) with the cook."
Curtis was making a mess on the table while Pat was cleaning the table. Pat folded a napkin, put it on the table, set Curtis' sweating ice water glass on it, then walked away. Curtis picked up the ice water, folded Pat's tip in half, then set the tip on the napkin and the icewater on the tip. Carol said, in her iciest voice: "Wait just a minute. We don't launder money here." Curtis immediately took the tip and put it in his pocket, replacing it with one that looked fresh off the press. He took pains to keep this one away from water, lest the ink run. He put this one on the table, and set a knife on it to keep it from blowing away. Pat mumbled something, and she can mumble with the best of them when she wants to.
Darlene and Jim came in with Darlene wearing a shirt that several of the ladies had good comments about it being so pretty, and Darlene started to take it off, but then said it was pinned at the top so she couldn't take it off. I don't know what that means, so that could be an acceptable excuse for not taking ones shirt off.
Some of the Cafe's other ne'er-do-wells and I are putting together a race between Jim, on his crutches, and Darlene on her walker. I got it right from the horses mouth (so to speak) that Jim can outrun Darlene, so the smart money is going to bet on Jim to win, and maybe even give odds.
For anybody who wasn't there, or just didn't know, we celebrated Carol's 60th birthday today. Sheridan drew the figure to put on Carol's cake. She said what was on it was a nekkid stick man figure, so she drew a nekkid female figure and said it was Carol. By the time it got on the cake it was Carol in her Chef's get-up, hat and all. The piece they served me had a cobra on it. Sheridan said that was Carol's leg with the foot on it, but I think Sheridan had taken a spoonful of that Habenero salsa she gave me and couldn't see through the tears in her eyes, cause it looked more like a cobra to me than a leg with a foot on it.
That Habenero salsa Sheridan and Daryl had bought at Cabellos thinking they had finally found one that was too hot for me. It was too hot for them. Now this salsa is not quite gates of hell hot, but it is right around the corner. I laced my Chef's salad with it tonight, and only had to have one glass of tea. Just to be on the safe side, though, Carol told Heather, Pat, and Taylor to always keep that salsa right next to the fire extinguisher in case it suddenly decides to spontaneously combust.
I didn't get to see all of Carol's table dance, cause she was behind me, but her shirt front was blossoming with hundred dollar bills and gold ingots, which James said she would not share with him. Maybe somebody got some video.
Pat had on her intimidating face tonight, and wouldn't put up with Curtis' shenanigans, at one point telling him to shut the (expletive deleted), and stop (expletive deleted), or else she would (expletive deleted), and he could (expletive deleted) and if he couldn't manage that, he could (expletive deleted) the next time. Carol heard the commotion and started helping Pat rip Curtis a new (expletive deleted). When she asked what (expletive deleted) started this, Curtis calmly explained that he was simply rubbing a dirt clod on the floor to make it smaller so the fan would make it roll around. Carol, having calmed down some, told Curtis that made perfect sense to her, so why had he not simply explained it to Pat that way? He said Pat is much more fun when ranting and raving and waving her arms around. Immediately prior to the next round of expletives deleted from Carol and Pat, the air actually turned blue.
Tonight after Linda and I had eaten and were sitting around jawing with Curtis, I saw Carol in the kitchen lean way over the trash can to the point where her head was inside the rim of the can. Curtis and I, being ne'er-do-wells, are not above hoo-rawin' Carol, cause she just gives it right back. I said: " If you're looking for silverware, be sure to mark it some way so we'll know where it's been. Carol said: "All of your silverware is right there in that bin that says "BURT" on it. That's so I'll know where all of yours has been." Curtis said: "Is my silverware included in that?" "Of course not." replied Carol "That would be unsanitary. You know we can't have that. You each have your own bin for the ride through the car wash to do ya'lls dishes."
The way she said "yall's" brought back to mind an old, old saying. " Don't (expletive deleted) with the cook."
Sunday, August 7, 2011
TRUE ???? # 38
TRUE ???? # 38
For years now, Chester has been ragging me about my "21 year old Bronco", offering to give me a push if I need it or whatever if it should fail to start. I've always been able to come back with "it always starts", or something equally pithy. As luck would have it, this past Friday the Bronco refused to start. I knew it wasn't a major problem, and started trying to reach Chester, where he is "summering" in Pennsylvania, trying to escape some of this Texas heat. As if he knew in advance I would be needing his help, he laid a false trail to his "summer" telephone number that would have stumped Daniel Boone, but Chester, being a former Navy man himself, should have remembered that SEALs never give up. My Bronco was started, and I drove to the Cafe in time for breakfast. Then started it again to take it to my mechanic in Burleson. Though Chester did not get the satisfaction of starting the Bronco himself, he will be extremely pleased (I'm pretty sure)that my solution to the problem took into account that Chester has always wanted to help start the Bronco. I just called (long distance) EVERY triple A office in the state of Pennsylvania until I got the one in his town, & had them call a triple A office in Ft. Worth to send someone to my address to start the Bronco.
To show my appreciation to Chester for his "willingness" to help, I thoughtfully had ALL the bills sent to Chesters Ft. Worth address, where they will be awaiting his return to Texas in the Fall.
Gemini Man
copyright 2011
geminiauthor.blogspot.com
For years now, Chester has been ragging me about my "21 year old Bronco", offering to give me a push if I need it or whatever if it should fail to start. I've always been able to come back with "it always starts", or something equally pithy. As luck would have it, this past Friday the Bronco refused to start. I knew it wasn't a major problem, and started trying to reach Chester, where he is "summering" in Pennsylvania, trying to escape some of this Texas heat. As if he knew in advance I would be needing his help, he laid a false trail to his "summer" telephone number that would have stumped Daniel Boone, but Chester, being a former Navy man himself, should have remembered that SEALs never give up. My Bronco was started, and I drove to the Cafe in time for breakfast. Then started it again to take it to my mechanic in Burleson. Though Chester did not get the satisfaction of starting the Bronco himself, he will be extremely pleased (I'm pretty sure)that my solution to the problem took into account that Chester has always wanted to help start the Bronco. I just called (long distance) EVERY triple A office in the state of Pennsylvania until I got the one in his town, & had them call a triple A office in Ft. Worth to send someone to my address to start the Bronco.
To show my appreciation to Chester for his "willingness" to help, I thoughtfully had ALL the bills sent to Chesters Ft. Worth address, where they will be awaiting his return to Texas in the Fall.
Gemini Man
copyright 2011
geminiauthor.blogspot.com
Saturday, July 16, 2011
TRUE ???? # 37
Carol and James did good again with their TDBT4thOJCC soiree. I'm going to guess at about 25 attendees had hamburgers and hot-dogs and potato salad and beans and fruit salad and salad salad and macaroni and cheese and baked beans and I didn't take pictures of all the food like I did last November cause I was lazy I guess. We didn't get all the food ate, but we did make a nice dent in it. There was cakes and pies and pudding and jello and marshmellows, and we didn't get all the desserts ate either, but a good dent was put in them as well.
Linda made a dessert that nobody knew what it was or who made it, but nobody said they didn't like it, even though I was not armed. Linda was asked for the recipe, and since she don't keep things like that a secret, she will tell me what's in it, and how much, and I will relay that information to the 4 readers of TRUE ???? in this issue of TRUE ????.
She couldn't tell me a name for this dessert, but since it is my favorite dessert, I'm calling it "That Damn Good Chocolate Peanut Butter Stuff.". I hope everybody remembers what I said in a previous issue of TRUE ???? about stuff in here that has a * by it. If you plan to make this dessert, you will need to REMEMBER those *.
I have thoroughly checked with Merriam-Websters Eleventh Edition of Somewhat Scarce and Unusual Recipes-How to Decipher Ambiguous Descriptions of Ingredients, and A Conversion Table of Little Known Ingredient Amounts.(ie. a smidgin = 1/4 teaspoon)
Here is what you need, NOT counting bowls pans, mixers, knives, forks, spoons, and such. *A big bag of chocolate cream-filled chocolate sandwich cookies. (Websters knows this as "OREOS". You will need 20 Oreos.)--*2 Tablespoons Butter.(melted) (Websters says you can substitute Margarine but it won't be as good.)--*1 package of cream cheese.(Websters says this is 8 ounces, softened) *1/2 cup peanut butter.(Websters says it MUST be EXTRA CRUNCHY peanut butter, or it won't be any good at all) *1-1/2 cups confectioners sugar.(Websters says that is commonly known by those who can't or don't cook, as "powdered sugar" and must be divided). Websters gave me no help at all on what divided means, but Linda said look at the rest of the recipe, which I don't have time to do, which is one reason I don't cook, so lot's of luck. * 1 carton frozen whipped topping, thawed, divided. (Websters says that is 16 ounces, and it CANNOT be frozen AND thawed, so we must assume it was whipped within an inch of it's life by Cool Whip, which thawed it out, and you are again on your own as to the meaning of "divided"). *15 miniature peanut butter cups, chopped. (Websters says that is Reeses Pieces, and you already know what "chopped" means.) *1 cup cold milk. (Websters has no idea why it has to be cold milk, so just do it.) * 1 package instant chocolate fudge pudding mix. (Websters says that is 3.9 ounces, and must be instant unless you want to be all night making this stuff.
THIS IS HOW YOU PUT IT TOGETHER...
* Crush 16 cookies. (Websters recommends driving over them with a half-track, if you have access to one) (Authors note:) be sure to double bag them in pillowcases because the store bag they are in will not withstand the tank treads of the half-track..* Toss with the butter. (Websters recommends not making the toss more than 5 feet high, so it will be easier to catch them in the bottom of an ungreased 9 inch square dish, * then press this into the bottom of the dish. * In a mixing bowl, beat the cream cheese, peanut butter, and 1 cup confectioners sugar until smooth. *Fold in half of the whipped topping.(Websters suggests you ask a bona fide cook what that means, if you don't know, cause neither Websters or I know what it means. *Spread over the crust. Sprinkle with peanut butter cups.
In another mixing bowl, beat the milk, pudding mix, and the remaining confectioners sugar on low speed for 2 minutes. * Fold in remaining whipped topping. Spread over peanut butter cups. * Crush remaining cookies. * Sprinkle over the top. * Cover and chill for at least 3 hours.
Yield is 12-16 servings. What LInda brought to the pot luck last time was double this recipe.
Pat R, Pat J, and Linda celebrated their birthdays this morning. Pat R showed she is not getting older by dancing on the tables, and Darlene gyrated some on the floor next to Pat, but she couldn't be coaxed onto a table. When Sally sat down at the table she laid a pistol on the table in front of her. It was green and cantaloupe camouflage, so it's possible she took it away from a Hells Angel who was bent on relieving a Pennsylvania farmer of a cantaloupe
Chester bought him a boat up there in Yankee land, with plans to leave it there for his use when they are up there escaping the Texas heat. I think maybe he has decided that since he tripped over a golf tee, and can no longer lift his bag of golf clubs, he maybe is ready to take up fishing. Since noodling (grappling) has been made legal in Texas, he might want to think about bringing the boat to Texas. Sally could fly each way, and Chester could pull the boat behind his scooter, as I'm sure it has plenty of power. He could actually save a lot of money on gasoline and fishing tackle by noodling here, which I have it on good authority only requires a pair of leather gloves
to grab the fish with, or save even more by rounding up a left handed fishing buddy, and split the cost of the gloves. Come to think of it, the 112 degrees here yesterday makes Pennsylvania sound "not so bad" to even this die hard Texan.
Gemini Man
Copyright 2011
Geminiauthor.blogspot.com
Linda made a dessert that nobody knew what it was or who made it, but nobody said they didn't like it, even though I was not armed. Linda was asked for the recipe, and since she don't keep things like that a secret, she will tell me what's in it, and how much, and I will relay that information to the 4 readers of TRUE ???? in this issue of TRUE ????.
She couldn't tell me a name for this dessert, but since it is my favorite dessert, I'm calling it "That Damn Good Chocolate Peanut Butter Stuff.". I hope everybody remembers what I said in a previous issue of TRUE ???? about stuff in here that has a * by it. If you plan to make this dessert, you will need to REMEMBER those *.
I have thoroughly checked with Merriam-Websters Eleventh Edition of Somewhat Scarce and Unusual Recipes-How to Decipher Ambiguous Descriptions of Ingredients, and A Conversion Table of Little Known Ingredient Amounts.(ie. a smidgin = 1/4 teaspoon)
Here is what you need, NOT counting bowls pans, mixers, knives, forks, spoons, and such. *A big bag of chocolate cream-filled chocolate sandwich cookies. (Websters knows this as "OREOS". You will need 20 Oreos.)--*2 Tablespoons Butter.(melted) (Websters says you can substitute Margarine but it won't be as good.)--*1 package of cream cheese.(Websters says this is 8 ounces, softened) *1/2 cup peanut butter.(Websters says it MUST be EXTRA CRUNCHY peanut butter, or it won't be any good at all) *1-1/2 cups confectioners sugar.(Websters says that is commonly known by those who can't or don't cook, as "powdered sugar" and must be divided). Websters gave me no help at all on what divided means, but Linda said look at the rest of the recipe, which I don't have time to do, which is one reason I don't cook, so lot's of luck. * 1 carton frozen whipped topping, thawed, divided. (Websters says that is 16 ounces, and it CANNOT be frozen AND thawed, so we must assume it was whipped within an inch of it's life by Cool Whip, which thawed it out, and you are again on your own as to the meaning of "divided"). *15 miniature peanut butter cups, chopped. (Websters says that is Reeses Pieces, and you already know what "chopped" means.) *1 cup cold milk. (Websters has no idea why it has to be cold milk, so just do it.) * 1 package instant chocolate fudge pudding mix. (Websters says that is 3.9 ounces, and must be instant unless you want to be all night making this stuff.
THIS IS HOW YOU PUT IT TOGETHER...
* Crush 16 cookies. (Websters recommends driving over them with a half-track, if you have access to one) (Authors note:) be sure to double bag them in pillowcases because the store bag they are in will not withstand the tank treads of the half-track..* Toss with the butter. (Websters recommends not making the toss more than 5 feet high, so it will be easier to catch them in the bottom of an ungreased 9 inch square dish, * then press this into the bottom of the dish. * In a mixing bowl, beat the cream cheese, peanut butter, and 1 cup confectioners sugar until smooth. *Fold in half of the whipped topping.(Websters suggests you ask a bona fide cook what that means, if you don't know, cause neither Websters or I know what it means. *Spread over the crust. Sprinkle with peanut butter cups.
In another mixing bowl, beat the milk, pudding mix, and the remaining confectioners sugar on low speed for 2 minutes. * Fold in remaining whipped topping. Spread over peanut butter cups. * Crush remaining cookies. * Sprinkle over the top. * Cover and chill for at least 3 hours.
Yield is 12-16 servings. What LInda brought to the pot luck last time was double this recipe.
Pat R, Pat J, and Linda celebrated their birthdays this morning. Pat R showed she is not getting older by dancing on the tables, and Darlene gyrated some on the floor next to Pat, but she couldn't be coaxed onto a table. When Sally sat down at the table she laid a pistol on the table in front of her. It was green and cantaloupe camouflage, so it's possible she took it away from a Hells Angel who was bent on relieving a Pennsylvania farmer of a cantaloupe
Chester bought him a boat up there in Yankee land, with plans to leave it there for his use when they are up there escaping the Texas heat. I think maybe he has decided that since he tripped over a golf tee, and can no longer lift his bag of golf clubs, he maybe is ready to take up fishing. Since noodling (grappling) has been made legal in Texas, he might want to think about bringing the boat to Texas. Sally could fly each way, and Chester could pull the boat behind his scooter, as I'm sure it has plenty of power. He could actually save a lot of money on gasoline and fishing tackle by noodling here, which I have it on good authority only requires a pair of leather gloves
to grab the fish with, or save even more by rounding up a left handed fishing buddy, and split the cost of the gloves. Come to think of it, the 112 degrees here yesterday makes Pennsylvania sound "not so bad" to even this die hard Texan.
Gemini Man
Copyright 2011
Geminiauthor.blogspot.com
Monday, June 27, 2011
TRUE ???? #36
Wayland came in this morning carrying an armload of books and papers. I had not realized until then that Venus City Police Department requires homework of their officers. Wayland was mumbling something about "Matt Dillon never had to do homework." I had seen Dillon poring over Wanted Posters, but that is basically just looking at the pictures. I couldn't even swear that Matt Dillon could read and write. I can, however, swear that Wayland can read AND write, as I saw him, with my own eyes, doing both this morning. He would read awhile, then write awhile. He was copying something off of a printed piece of paper, and I suggested that he could save a lot of reading and writing if he'd just put the paper into Carols printer and make a copy. He said he had to keep his hand in with journals, because he moonlights with Merriam Websters writing the series of books: Merriam Websters Eleventh Edition: Aardvarks to Zygotene:How To Catch One, And How To Understand The Other.(the stage of meioticprophase which immediately follows the leptotene and during which synapsis of homologous chromosomes occurs.) I can see where that knowledge would be tremendously useful.
Ya'll probably know that Chester and Sally are in Lower South Cabo San Lucas, where they maintain another residence just in case it were to ever get hot in Texas, however remote that possibility may be. You may not know that Chester plays golf. Sally seems to have better sense, and spends her time up there trying to educate Hells Angels on how to ride a motorcycle. Chester had a golfing accident on the way to the golf course. He had dressed in the required checked short pants and pullover checked sweater, told his caddy which bag of clubs was his, since he can't lift them anymore, and headed for the links,(not to be confused with a link on a computer where you get from here to there really quickly.) On the way to the first hole, Chester stumbled over a golf tee and fell on his wrist, spraining it badly enough that he could not play golf, but not so bad that his golf buddy's had to miss 18 holes of golf just to take Chester to the emergency room. It was decided that if he (Chester) stayed on the golf cart in the shade of the canopy, drank a Texas tea glass of Chivas Regal, and only used one arm to drive the cart, the group could finish 18 holes of golf, and have a drink in the clubhouse before having to drive him to the hospital. Ya'll be sure to ask Chester how that worked out when you see him. (They DO NOT give drunk driving tickets in South Cabo San Lucas if you MUST drive the cart around the links to see that EVERYONE's clubs get to each hole when the golfer does.)
Darlene's niece Barbara was about to set a bad precedent by meeting the waitress (Pat) halfway to the coffee machine. When Jim said he would hit her on the knee with his crutch if we would bring her to him, Barbara decided that she would rather not limp like the rest of us, so she turned around and made Pat come to her.
Gemini Man
Copyright 2011
Geminiauthor.blogspot.com
Ya'll probably know that Chester and Sally are in Lower South Cabo San Lucas, where they maintain another residence just in case it were to ever get hot in Texas, however remote that possibility may be. You may not know that Chester plays golf. Sally seems to have better sense, and spends her time up there trying to educate Hells Angels on how to ride a motorcycle. Chester had a golfing accident on the way to the golf course. He had dressed in the required checked short pants and pullover checked sweater, told his caddy which bag of clubs was his, since he can't lift them anymore, and headed for the links,(not to be confused with a link on a computer where you get from here to there really quickly.) On the way to the first hole, Chester stumbled over a golf tee and fell on his wrist, spraining it badly enough that he could not play golf, but not so bad that his golf buddy's had to miss 18 holes of golf just to take Chester to the emergency room. It was decided that if he (Chester) stayed on the golf cart in the shade of the canopy, drank a Texas tea glass of Chivas Regal, and only used one arm to drive the cart, the group could finish 18 holes of golf, and have a drink in the clubhouse before having to drive him to the hospital. Ya'll be sure to ask Chester how that worked out when you see him. (They DO NOT give drunk driving tickets in South Cabo San Lucas if you MUST drive the cart around the links to see that EVERYONE's clubs get to each hole when the golfer does.)
Darlene's niece Barbara was about to set a bad precedent by meeting the waitress (Pat) halfway to the coffee machine. When Jim said he would hit her on the knee with his crutch if we would bring her to him, Barbara decided that she would rather not limp like the rest of us, so she turned around and made Pat come to her.
Gemini Man
Copyright 2011
Geminiauthor.blogspot.com
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
TRUE ???? # 35
Ya'll remember now that Chester and Sally are gone up to yankee land, you may feel free to talk about them as much as you want to, and they will never probably never possibly never maybe never most likely never could might very well could probably will with absolute certainty will find out about it, so be careful what you say.
Pat was making this funny motion this morning, and said something about this "rotatey thing-a-ma-jig". Pat was with the Wild Bunch, and as I am a "honorary Wild Bunch member", I can sit in the booth next to them when they have commandeered my table, so I was in close proximity. Sheridan asked me if I was getting anything for "TRUE", and I said I was going to have to find out what a "rotatey thing-a-ma-jig" was. Jim and Sharon both said she was talking about a bar-b-que rotisserie. As I am writing this for TRUE, we all know I must be absolutely accurate, so I dug out my copy of " Merriam-Webster's Eleventh Edition of Colloquialisms- How To Use Them, When To Use Them, and What They Mean".
Under "Rotatey thing-a-ma-jig", it says: "A spit, through a beef, buffalo, elk, moose, hog, or other large animal, that is turned with a handcrank to rotate the animal over the fire." On the other hand,The hippo,on a spit, differs in that the spit is a section of railroad track, bent appropriately and turned with an internal combustion engine, usually a 6 cylinder Chevrolet, which has the perfect engine RPM at full throttle to rotate a hippo, and is called a "Rotatey whatcha-ma-callit." Say what you will, but Pat knows her Colleywhynots, which is aWest Texas colloquialism for "Colloquialism".
*Carol didn't tell me what we are calling this, so I guess I'll just have to make up a name, hard as that is to do. A get together, similar to the pot luck supper we had *last November. Each person brings something, and three dollars. Last time we had like 73 people sign up, and 64 showed up and had a great time and a lot of *good food. If you made it in November, you know it's worth your time and effort, so if you didn't make the last one, be sure to get there for this replay. July 3,2011 *, at The Rendon Cafe, after hours. That is a Sunday, after 6:00 P.M. The night BEFORE the 4th of July, so you can still make your 4th celebration, unless you are *having it in D.C., which would be like a jail sentence.This one will be called The Day Before The 4th Of July Celebration Celebration, or TDBT4thOJCC for *short. Sign up at the Cafe.
Carol and James have acquired a GHOST at their house. It shuffles the dogs around where they are not supposed to be. I can see all kinds of problems with a ghost at your house, BUT. It would be cool if there was a ghost at the Cafe. We would be patronizing the only cafe in the Lone Star State that had its OWN ghost. Think of the fun we could have when Chester gets back and finds a ghost sitting at his booth. We could call Ghostbusters. Hell, we could BE Ghostbusters. In nice weather, Roy could drive the ghost around in his street rod. People would follow him to the cafe. When the Ben E. Keith delivery gets to the cafe, we could have the ghost make the delivery man unload the truck, and James could sit with his feet up and drink coffee. I heard Curtis say he would volunteer to help the ghost if he could "borrow" the ghost one night a week. Sounds like somebody might owe Curtis money. Sheridan, can you put a spell on a ghost? If so, we Really NEED a ghost!!!
Since it does take some effort to sort the real truth from the maybe truth, from this day forth, if you see a star * next to something, it is to be taken as the absolute truth. No s!!!
**Alpine Shooting Range is for Sale, if you happen to be needing a shooting Range. Even if you don't need a shooting range, Alpine is still for sale. A $3,500,000.00 investment would earn you about $300,000.00 a year in income. Think about it, Sheridan. That would be better than giving all your money to Oklahoma.
Before Curtis wears out the legs on my chair so it would only be tall enough for my chin to reach the table, I'd like to suggest that he use his handy-man talents and put wheels on his chair, and my chair. That would make the both of them much easier to move. We could also have chair races, as long as the wheels had good bearings and didn't make much noise, so Carol couldn't catch us. I can see where that might be a problem, since there would likely be wagers involved, and and a crowd cheering on "Their guy" would certainly alert Carol, unless we could make her believe everyone is cheering a football game on the radio. I can see where that might be a problem if it's not football season. We could open an indoor shooting range in the back room, and the gunfire would mask wheel noise AND cheering. And we could sell tickets.
While I had the Merriam-Webster out, I checked to see if there was a colloquialism for what Carol was doing Friday night. She had that pastry decorating bag out and was busily applying cake icing to her mouth and tongue. Of course she was not actually touching the frosting thingy to her mouth or tongue, but applying a white frosting from about a foot away. The girl is damned accurate with that thing. I kept expecting her to squeeze frosting in her eyes or up her nose, but she kept it all on her tongue or lips so it could be wiped off with her tongue. Websters says that is called "Frostingy Thingy Applique". Her degree of accuracy is only ½ smidgeon away from a Doctorate in Frostingy Thingy Applique Extraordinairre. As soon as she can apply that frosting with the right hand while simultaneously hitting a man sized target with a 9mm with her left hand, she can be called Doctor Carol Wells, FTAE.
Gemini Man
Copyright 2011
Geminiauthor.blogspot.com
Sunday, May 8, 2011
TRUE # 34
TRUE ???? # 34
The other day I happened to notice that my name was misspelled on the B'day board. Spelled with an er instead of a ur. Not being a picky person, I simply asked Sheridan if she would put a curse on whatever blackhearted person spelled my front name with an "er" instead of the correct "ur". Then Sharon , sitting right there with Sheridan, spoke up and said she was the one who had spelled it wrong, and she was very sorry, but she thought it was spelled with an er rather than a ur. Of course I immediately foregave her, but by the time Sharon started talking, Sheridan was already into her curse, so now Sharon, whose name is Eller, spells it with a "ur" instead of an "er", so until the curse wears off at Halloween, Sharon will spell her name Ellur instead of Eller. Sheridan is very fast with curses, though she would like to not be a witch.
Bob Cole needs some dynamite to get rid of some bees in one of his buildings. I told him dynamite might be a little hard on the building, but he said shooting them just takes too long.
Chester was trying to improve his night vision. I told him that taking off his sunshades would help some, but he wanted to try just driving everywhere in reverse. Something to do with the negative tint on the back glass of his Chrysler. That seemed to be working, but this belligerent tree kept trying to run him down. Despite Chester's dodging, twisting, and turning, the tree finally got him. Chester's keychain landing light prevented the damage to the Chrysler from being worse by directing its brilliant beam into the eyes of the owl that was driving the tree, thereby slowing the tree down some. That McGuyver keychain comes in really handy sometimes.
Carol was letting Linda try a taste of beef stew before ordering, as Linda had a tooth pulled a couple of days ago, and chewing was really painful, and she thought she might have to order mush for dinner Friday night. Carol put a piece of meat in a bowl to see if Linda could chew it without too much pain and/or difficulty. Linda gave it a try, and pronounced that piece of meat a piece of carrot. Curtis laughed, Pat laughed, and I nearly showered everyone close by with coffee trying to keep from laughing. Carol said she had not realized she couldn't tell the difference between carrots and meat. Here's what I think happened.
Carol has been baking pies almost non-stop for days to make sure everybody's Mother has a happy Mother's day. I think an amalgam of fumes from strawberries, peaches, pecans, coconut, peanut butter, chocolate, cream, apples, apricot, lemon, key lime, banana split, buttermilk, and Oreo's has effected Carol's vision to the point she might, for a short time, mistake a piece of carrot for a piece of meat. I don't think we have anything to worry about, as she makes neither carrot pies or meat pies.
Gemini Man
Copyright 2011
geminiauthor.blogspot,com
Thursday, April 14, 2011
TRUE ???? # 33
In the last issue, I did not relate a heroic act by Chester saving a damsel in distress, thinking to save him possible embarrassment from people fawning over him and offering to buy him drinks, etc, etc. etc. I believe enough time has now passed that I can relate his deed, and state that because of his heroic actions I have recommended him to be knighted, whence he will become Sir Chester of Rendon.
As Virginia was leaving the cafe, she jumped back and screamed "Chester, come here. Quick."
Chester vaulted out of his booth and ran for the door, jumping over a table on the way. He skidded to a stop in the doorway just short of colliding with Virginia, and was immediately attacked by a spider wielding a switchblade knife.
Chester quickly took off one of his tenny runners and blocked a vicious slash from the blade. As you all know, Chester refuses to carry a gun to deal with spiders and snakes and criminals bent on robbery and such, but he employs his car keys as weapons, a la McGuyver. In very short order he had the spider subdued, and if you have not gotten a good look at Chester's keyring, there are 4 VERY small pairs of handcuffs there to deal with those 8 legged varmints, so Chester cuffed the arachnid to the front door knob.
He and Virginia started back to the booth, Chester on his cell phone calling the sheriff's office, whenCarol came out of the kitchen, marched to the front door, and after making sure she had a clear field of fire, she emptied her 9mm into the spider. After a quick call to Doors R' Us, Carol said to the customers at large: "We don't take prisoner's".
Gemini Man
Copyright 2011
geminiauthor.blogspot.com
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