TRUE???? # 17

I was on my way out the door the other day, and Jim was sitting in that booth right inside the door. He was brandishing (yes, brandishing. He was totally serious.) a flyswatter. He seemed to be concentrating on one particular fly, so I bet him he could not hit it. Before saying yea or nay, Jim cut loose a swing that Babe Ruth would have been proud of. It connected, too, but that was one bad a?? fly, and instead of dying immediately, it did a swan dive into Jim's bowl of beans. Quick as a wink, Jim pushed that fly to the bottom of the bowl and drowned it in bean juice. Unfortunately, the fly was about the same size as a bean, and Jim couldn't seem to find it. I told him that the fly wasn't all that much extra protein and wouldn't hurt him at all if he ate it. Wordlessly, Jim dumped his bowl on the table, and as I went to the Bronco, Jim was busy fingerpainting the table with bean juice. I saw him this morning, but he never said if he found the fly.

Ya'll might remember the little drizzle we had Sat. the 25th. I pulled up really close to the door to let Linda get out with her umbrella. Then I parked way the hell and gone on the other side of the parking lot. By the time I got  inside, I was just a mite wet, as Linda won't let me have an umbrella, but Carol was standing there inside the door, so I dried off on her. Comments were being made about chivalry not being dead, which some took to mean my getting Linda right up to the door, but I think they were talking about Carol letting me use her for a towel, which is the same as her spreading her cape across a puddle so my dainty feet wouldn't get wet crossing. Toby made Raymond walk all the way across the parking lot in the rain, and she didn't care if he got wet. That would have been a perfect day of work for umbrella demonstration people.

Some of our vacationing regulars are back, sporting suntans and such, as Chester and Sally vacationed in Lower North Cabo San Lucas, while Jim and Sharon laid in the sun at Upper North Cabo San Lucas. Nobody said anything about rain or sleet or hail or snow, but I have it on good authority that it can sometimes even snow in Upper North Cabo San Lucas, being so close to Canada and all. I think Cabo is a regional name for moose.

Everybody mark your calendar, because on Sept. 27, 2010, at precisely 5:48 p.m. , James did something right. I know this for a fact, because he told me so hisownself. I believe James is trying to get into the Guiness book of records, because at precisely 5:50 p.m., he did something wrong. Now James did not say he did something wrong, he merely said he forgot something, which we all know is wrong and totally unforgivable. I forget if two rights make a wrong, or two wrongs make a right or something like that, but in my case it doesn't really matter, because James knows what I'm talking about even if I don't, and who cares anyway?

The sign over the door now just says: CAFE.  Succincter it cannot get. (we sometimes make up words to keep you on your toes) I propose we have a cafe naming contest, with the winner to be chosen by a panel of judges. Anyone proposing a name CANNOT sit on the judging panel. Winner MUST be present to win, and the prize to be awarded a 100% absolutely FREE cup of coffee.

You can now read this newsletter, as well as: TRUE???? At HEAD SHED, and some other stuff at:

GeminiAuthor.Blogspot.com

Gemini Man   copyright 2010

TRUE ???? # 16

Since reading True # 11, several readers want to know where they can get "SWILL", an ingredient in the recipe for the cure for withdrawal symptoms from a whole lot of coffee to practically no coffee. Swill has been around for hundreds of years, if not thousands of years.

You can find it in any orphanage in the country, and in an increasing number of old folks homes as well. The old guys will fight to keep it, so you will have an easier time of it taking it away from the orphans.

Swill does not "keep" well, so you cannot take a huge supply at one time. A gallon or two should see you through the withdrawal symptoms, as the dosage is only 2 ounces at a time, but a gallon would "go bad" in less than a week, so plan on several "visits" to the orphanage, where it is made up fresh practically every morning. There is now an "instant swill", but it doesn't work as well for withdrawal, and from everything I hear, it tastes much worse than regular swill.

This evening Carol was standing behind the register slapping her face. My first thought was that she was getting fatigued and slapping herself to stay awake. Turns out she was chastising herself for saying a disparaging word about someone. No one heard her but herself, so she is the only one who knows (or WAS the only one who knows) that she even disparaged someone. I don't believe it had anything to do with the Health Department inspector who gave her high grades on the cleanliness of the kitchen. She was quick witted enough to hide the orange folder with all the TRUE ???? in it, or he might have wanted to see the cooking-oil burning pit on the roof, and she had been worried about the 90 mile an hour biscuit coming out of the kitchen. I convinced her that the Dept. would only be interested in that if the biscuit had hit the floor, and she had then tried to serve it

Curtis drove into the parking lot and I put a shoulder to the door so he couldn't get in. Carol turned off the "OPEN" sign, and Curtis just made a U turn and drove out of the parking lot. Carol, Linda, and I ran into the parking lot waving and yelling: "Curtis, come back Curtis, come back", but he just drove on off looking for Jack Palance. I went back and finished my coffee, then Linda and I left. Some of you may not know that Curtis drives really, really slow. As we got in the Bronco, Curtis was just making a left at the light in front of Myrtles, so I stepped on it, and we exited the parking lot amidst a shower of dirt and gravel. I made the left at the light on two wheels and Curtis had just made a right then another left. We caught up with him so fast it startled him to see that red Bronco so close, and he pulled off into the ditch, or at least I think he pulled over intentionally. We told him the cafe wasn't really closed, and he said: "I don't care".

Gemini Man

Copyright 2010  

OLD COWBOY'S DON'T BOUNCE--Gemini Man Copyright 1994

The movie cowboys you all remember I'm sure
And a black and white stallion was famous as well
Stallions are different, and sometimes quite difficult
And some say Diablo came straight from hell

But I knew Diablo, the flashy Overa, and he was a stallion
not mean, not a killer, but fire and spirit in one
Diablo has passed now, and lies in horse heaven
But his spirit lives on, cause I ride his son

Wayward Wind is a stallion, different and difficult
And my friend Bill Allison, busted and down for the count
He rode the eight seconds with no catcher to help him
Then Wayward denied him a graceful dismount

Bill hit the ground hard, and right there he stayed
And trying to move, of his strength took each ounce
That day and Wayward, taught Bill and this Warlock
To hang on to a stallion, cause OLD cowboys don't bounce

TRUE ???? # 15

I know for certain that Donna reads this newsletter, because she intimidated her dart team by making them skydive while milking rattlesnakes. She heard that HERE, and it worked. Her team won the last match by enough to make one of the opposing team get PO'd enough to throw her handful of darts across the room. Not at anybody, she just broadcast them out into the room. Imagine this: A handful of darts. Sharp, pointy little things with tail fins to make them fly point-on to anything (or anybody) they are chunked at. A room full of sober, upstanding citizens minding their own business, as well as a few slightly inebriated patrons of the brewers art, a smattering of connoisseurs of the grape, and of course the four people who were 6 sheets to the wind and had to hold on to each other to stay on their feet. Pandemonium would not be a good enough description, but absolute chaos fits perfectly. Those darts seemed to be laser guided, and the only people in the room who went unscathed was Donna and her dart team. And of course the four nearly falling down drunks. No mention was made as to whether Darlene and Sharon were in the room, so we'd have to check them for dart wounds to be certain.

Carol was seen outside measuring the marquee. It was rumored she was with a tall stranger, and James was no where to be seen. As you well know, this paper does not deal in anything less than factual, so we will just report that Carol and Mr.X were measuring the marquee and looking over their shoulders a lot while awaiting James' arrival.

Bob Cole will have a new waitress (Chrissy) to try to flim flam into him borrowing enough money from her to pay his tip, my tip, and Curtises' tip. Today was her first day on the job, and she had on hip-waders, so I suspect Chrissy has been warned about Bob Cole.

Maybe the Cafe could charge a "cover charge" to anybody who goes to Oklahoma and wins big at gambling. I'm not sure whether Sheridan actually gambles, or just throws her money away, since she never talks about winning or losing. Of course she may know something about that "suit" that follows her around that we don't know. IRS maybe?

The new night cooks, David and Arslan, are not really new to me and Linda, as we eat dinner at the cafe every night. David promised he would take his AR-15 hunting, and shoot something to serve at the cafe. I suggested that Hippopotamus is very good eating, but he's afraid he can't get that much meat in his Jon boat, and he's afraid his gas tank is not large enough for that long a trip. I offered to loan him some heavy duty paddles, but he declined.

Gemini Man

Copyright 2010

TRUE ???? # 14

A while back, the menu board was offering O rings. There was no size or price listed, and no clue as to whether they were for an automobile, tractor, bathtub or what. They must not have sold well, as they were replaced on the board with onion rings, which I'm quite sure were tastier, and not nearly as chewy.

Curtis took some corn to his deer lease and his trail cam took pictures of a nice 8 pointer fighting off a couple of rather large grasshoppers. The deer actually only got a couple of bites of corn before that horde/herd of gigantic hoppers came in and drove it off. Curtis tried the next day to get a shot at a big solid pink grasshopper, but his scope fogged up because of the humidity. I believe him about the grasshoppers, but I ain't sure about that much humidity.

Charlie assured me that his being on the school board for 71 years had absolutely nothing to do with him getting a school named after him. Robert said he believes, but can't prove, that the school board actually has a loooong list of names, and every so often picks the next name on the list to name a school after. Charlie named himself with a name from the list, but his timing was off, as Charlie's name was supposed to have been picked in 1947.

Carol had a senior moment the other day and was referring to the fellow she was talking to as Heronymous, but his name is Jerry. She was having some difficulty getting into the swing of waitressing since she has been cooking for so long. Rex, Harry, Curtis and I signed her up for waitress boot camp, and after only two days she was back waitressing with the best of them.

All ya'll that don't come into the cafe for dinner may not  have met David, the new night cook. He was taking his AR-15 to get some practice today, so we may get some wild game on the menu. Since Curtis won't shoot any of those grasshoppers, I'm going to suggest he tell David where his deer lease is.

Donna has not said this, but I think she might be ready to suggest to her dart team that they might want to take up skydiving, or some similar sport that doesn't involve darts. I can recommend sacking rattlesnakes.


Gemini Man
Copyright 2010

TRUE ???? # 13

There was a HUGE mess in the kitchen when I went in for dinner. There had been pretty much of a mess in the whole place, but I missed most of that. Cordalonan had been busy as a beaver cleaning tables, floors, windows, etc. I did not actually SEE the etc. being cleaned, but I was assured that it was done, and correctly. When I got there, the place was spic, and when I left it was span. Except for the kitchen, that is. It was piled up to here (you can't see this, but it's about belt high to me). With dishes. Carol got a good deal on some dishes and bought 'em. That will keep them from having to interrupt the cooking and waitressing to wash enough dishes for you and I (and Al) to eat off of. (or is that "from"?) Jay has been doing his share right along by bussing his own table when he's finished eating. I told him he was setting a dangerous precedent, but he said it's too hard to break the habit. I suspect that Jay, as a Five year old, cleaned off the breakfast table on his way out to the corral to break wild horses.
I've told those ladies time and again that the best way to wash all those dishes is to load up the back of Tammy's pickup and drive through the car wash, but they'd rather stand there in the sweltering heat (and I can promise you the heat was sweltering because I stood there in it myself for a good 45 seconds) and scrub on those dishes with a rag and a sponge and no telling what all until you can see your face in them. Dedication?
Anybody who did NOT see the pancake Carol fixed me the other morning get Curtis to show you the picture he took. She served it on a cookie sheet. I think it would overlap a hubcap.
I can see the look of consternation on your faces from here. You've never heard of Cordalonan before, and you are wondering if I'm going to tell you now who she is, or not. Her name is pronounced: Corda  low nan. Her sister is Dyamtrolonamanc. That's pronounced Die am tro low na mank. Last Name? NAH. I can't spell it.
I         seem        to        have          run        out           of             space,               so                I'll                       
 have                        to                wait                until  
        
                        next
                                                                                time.

Gemini Man
Copyright 2010

TRUE ???? # 12

For all of you who don't know, we now have TWO friends/patrons/customers of Big Country Kitchen that have schools named after them. Mrs. Reid/Reed had one in Mansfield named after her several years ago. Being a teacher, she just naturally started a class teaching people how to get a school named after them, but as of now the only student who has accomplished that is Charlie, who got his school in Everman, probably open as you read this. Assuming that Charlie was not Mrs. Reids/Reeds only student, we must assume that Charlie has a monumental intellect, or Robert has a monumental intellect and coaches Charlie. We have been assured that Charlie was NOT a teacher or Principal, did NOT sell the land to the school for .40 cents an acre, nor donate it to them for free. Charlie's scruples would never allow him to blackmail Everman out of a school. This paper also has scruples, so it will not give credence to the rumor that Mrs. Reid/Reed and Charlie are actually both aliens with mind control powers. I must concede that controlling a school board would probably get a school named after you, but we should not assume that is the case.
Bob had a good idea that is worth following to see if it will work. He asked Victoria if he could borrow a dollar so he could give her a tip. Then he said to make it three dollars and he would get my tip and Curtis's tip. I was at the time paying more attention to Curtis giving Jeremy instructions how to catch grasshoppers and put them into Mariah and Maranda's clothes without them knowing he did it. Jeremy, don't use the one where you sew a grasshopper inside the neck of their t shirts. They could discover it, put the grasshopper in the FRONT of their t shirt, then dip all the snuff and chew all the tobacco they wanted, and tell Donna the brown stain on the front of their shirt was from mashing a grasshopper that Jeremy had sewed into their shirt.
Victoria said she stays out of Donna's kitchen, cause last time Donna threw something at her. Turns out, what Donna threw was a fit, and when Victoria was assured that a fit would not hurt even if it hit you, she calmed right down. Seems Donna was slightly upset that her DART team lost their tournament to another team that is not any better, but have played together more and longer than Donna's team. Here's how to fix that. CAFE: 12 hrs a day for 7 days =84 hrs.-- SEX: 2 hrs a day for 7 days =14hrs.—EATING: 1.5 hrs a day for 7 days =10.5 hrs—DART PRACTICE: 8 hrs a day for 5 days =40—SLEEP: 2.78 hrs a day for 7 days =19.46 hrs. That leaves you with .04 of an hour left over to do anything you want. A couple of months of that, and you'll make hash out of that other team. (Come to think of it, since you DO work in a KITCHEN, let's make fool's of them instead.)

Gemini Man
Copyright 2010

TRUE ???? # 11

Since Tammy's house burned down, Rick said she could stay at the cafe 24 hrs a day. She could bathe at the car wash. Jim wanted to know which car wash. Photo op, you know.

Curtis was trying for, and missing, plenty of grasshoppers. He said he was having a problem reading, cause his specs were making the words jump around. Grasshoppers were too, evidently. I tried to tell Curtis that 78 cups of coffee were a little too much, and he actually had the shakes rather than words and grasshoppers jumping around. He promised, faithfully, to cut back to 74 cups a day. I told him that was too big a jump at one time, and he could possibly suffer withdrawal symptoms. A better way would be to replace every sixth cup of coffee with 2 ounces of beet juice, 2 ounces of swill, 2 ounces of molasses, and 2 ounces of Everclear.(2 ounces of Cuban rum could be used if you can't find Everclear.. Cuban rum is 190 proof, and Everclear is 200 proof.)You could extract Nitro from dynamite, then condense the Everclear from the nitro, but is is risky, especially if you have the shakes.

Tammy told Carol to "throw Burt a biscuit", whereupon Carol propped open the kitchen door, took a big windup, and this biscuit came out of the kitchen at 91 miles an hour. That is very close to Nolan Ryans record, but nobody would score against Carol, because I have it on good authority that a biscuit does not go very far when hit with a baseball bat. We will not discuss whether I caught the biscuit.

Justin and Victoria take turns beating each other. She beats him to the kitchen, and he beats her to the bathroom.

I just learned why the cafe stores its ladder on the roof. James puts on his Mighty Mouse costume, flies up on the roof, lowers the ladder, carries the old cooking oil up the ladder, pulls the ladder up behind him, burns the old oil in a pit made for that to save recycling fees for Rick, where that high up no one can see the smoke, then drops the buckets off the roof,  flies off the roof, leaving the ladder up there where no one can use it to find the blackened burned oil pit.

Seems perfectly logical to me.
 
 Raymond just admitted to starting the lawnmower and just letting it run awhile so Toby will hear it and think he is mowing. Raymond, Toby KNOWS you ain't mowing.

To reflect my Facebook and Blog pages, my name has changed . I am now:

Gemini Man
Copyright 2010

THE LLANO ESTACADO

The Llano Estacado

”An Original Poem of the Range”

     Nicodemus has carried me to this far-away place without faltering, sometimes hurrying, the Indians sometimes, not always setting the pace.
     A good horse like Nick can be the salvation of a rider in a desolate place like the Llano Estacado, where the Comanche holds court.
     No settlements, no townsfolk, nor ranchers or cattle, no soldiers, no fort.
     The plains ahead seem vast, grass belly deep to Nick, buffalo wallows spread around like huge horse apples, of directions you have one to pick
     That will take you, the lone rider, to a place, someplace, anyplace, where man seems not so small.
     Nicodemus and I have been on the trail forty one days, with no sightings of riders, save Indians, no fences, wondering why we came this way at all.
     Then it is there, crystal clear, the answer to my musings of the past month. Though Nicodemus is not aware of my petty vexes,
     He knows, as I do, that we came to the mighty Llano Estacado because it IS Texas.

Gemini Man
Copyright 2010

Codename-Warlock--Chapter 2

      I told you that the C.I.A. furnished our intelligence. I was now beginning to wonder if they had any to furnish, because it was they who said the C-4 was disguised, ( I know as what) and I know that some of you explosive experts out there are saying things like "65 pounds of C-4 explosive is enough to blow up several 40 by 40 foot buildings, so why is the idiot using so much, and why isn't the dummy setting it off with a radio or battery, instead of an inefficient percussion detonator?"  All of these are valid points, but only because you don't know the whole story. 
    First of all, the explosive was placed in the building (by someone from the C.I.A.) when the building was erected.  Because of the workmen there at the time, and the twenty or so people there 24 hours a day since that time, the agent was unable to lay wires to set off the charge electrically.  Secondly, because this building and three others like it were built close to radio and TV transmitters, to have used an electronic detonator could have resulted in the C-4 going off as soon as it was planted.  C.I.A. operatives are not known to be suicidal. Third and lastly, I could not care less if the building even blew up at all.  I just hoped that 65 pounds of plastic explosive was enough to cave in the underground installation the building sat over.  The entrance, exit, ventilation system, etc., were allright there in that 40 by 40 wooden building.  Intelligence said that the underground installation was much larger than the buildings that sat over it, but the only building that had any access to the underground portion was the one I had just been shooting at.  If I caved in the entrance, everything beneath the surface was there to stay, so to speak.  The time it would take to dig it out after a cave-in would insure that no one (or thing) would remain alive.  So even though the explosives were in the building and I was shooting at the building, it was not the primary target.  The same building in which someone had moved the explosives.  I just hoped it was still in the building.  To say that I hoped I could get into the building to find it would not be exactly truthful.  I hoped the damned stuff would go off by itself.  But I had to get in there to make sure that it did go off.

TRUE ???? # 10

    While Curtis and I were talking about an upcoming grasshopper fry, we heard a loud OUCH from over by the icemaker. Tammy came around the register stand rubbing her leg. When I asked what the ouch was all about, she said she had bumped her shin on something. Remembering that there is nothing back there you could bump anything on, much less a shin, I asked what she walked into. She pointed to a cardboard box just around the teamaker stand, and the lid was open and the flap was at about shin height to Tammy. I thought the problem was solved and went back to my grasshopper discussion. About that time the front door banged open and James jumped inside singing: "Here I come to save the day". When I asked if that song wasn't sung by a mouse, I noticed for the first time that James, resplendent in his brilliant yellow and red Mighty Mouse costume, was looking at the box with the open flap.

       "A crime has been done here." he said. "A hole has been cut in the kitchen wall to allow someone to push that box into Tammy's path, thereby banging her shin, and causing pain."

    Curtis immediately climbed into a booth and took up a defensive posture against the West wall, saying: "You can't blame that on me. I would never hurt Tammy. She might give me yesterday's coffee." When you have been chased as much as Curtis has by hordes of vicious grasshoppers, you tend to get just the tiniest bit paranoid.

    James whipped out a steel tape measure and began taking measurements of everything. He went into the kitchen and measured the diameter of the hole in the wall. Then he had Carol sit down on the floor and he measured the length of her foot with it against the wall. Then he measured the distance from the inside wall of the kitchen, through the hole, to the box. Then he had Carol stand up and very carefully measured the inside seam of her right leg. (Relax. She's his wife) After checking all his measurements, which he had written down in a little black book, he started packing up, getting ready to leave.

    I said: "James, don't those measurements show that Carol cut the hole in the wall so she could tape the flap on that box to  90 degree angle, then position the box beside the teamaker. Then, when she saw Tammy walk over that way, she merely stuck her leg through the hole in the wall and pushed the box out just far enough for Tammy to bump her shin on the lid. Doesn't it prove that?"
With a flourish of his cape as he went out the door, James said over his shoulder:

                                                "I DON'T CARE."

Gemini Man
Copyright 2010

TRUE ???? # 9

    A lot has happened since we last spoke. Carol was looking everywhere for her “ankle bracelet”. When I volunteered to help look, she said she was pretty sure she could find it without help. When I stated that the café wasn’t all that large, but still large enough to make finding something as small as an ankle bracelet difficult to find, she admitted that the bracelet she was looking for is not really that small. Seems that some folks refer to them as “ankle monitors”, and use them to keep track of some individuals. Maybe someday Carol will tell us WHY she had an ankle monitor, and better yet, how she disarmed it. Since she has taken  to using a weedeater to kill mosquitoes, it is just possible she got in trouble with the AWMKL(awmikel) or Anti Weedeater Mosquito Killing League, and somehow interfered with their mosquito breeding program. Without the AWMKL, mosquitoes might be an endangered species.

    Raymond did not have enough to do the other day, so he was sweeping dirt up onto the “porch” so Tammy could sweep it off. Then he would come in and send Tammy outside. As soon as she would pick up the broom, Raymond would yell “order up”. Frazzled was a good definition for Tammy.

    Darlene came in at noon Sunday, staggering. She said she was drunk, but I took up for her, saying she was merely dizzy. I told her a sure test for dizziness was to see if she could skip around the corner coming back from the restroom. I was turned away talking to someone when she came back, saying she did in fact skip around the corner. I’m not absolutely certain that Linda and Curtis would not lie, but they both said she did in fact skip around the corner, so I guess we can say for sure that Darlene did in fact skip around the corner, which means she was positively dizzy, and not blind drunk like she claimed.

    There is one chair in the whole café that perfectly fits Curtis, so would whoever keeps moving it from my table where Curtis likes to sit so I can’t, please stop moving his chair. I know some people would say it is probably yours truly moving the chair to a different table hoping Curtis won’t notice the different table. That is not so. We all know that Curtis makes regular visits to his doctors office for reading material. He likes that particular table because the light is better there for reading. I did hear someone suggest the other day that we get a floor lamp for Curtis to use, but I can’t remember who said that.

    Charlie and Robert have been lulled into thinking they are skating along under the wire as far as this newsletter goes. They just don’t know about all the notes I’m taking, planning on a future Charlie and Robert issue.

    When I drove up to the café the other day, Donde was outside on the phone, waving her arms around like a symphony conductor. When I got inside, Jim (Sharons husband)was also on the phone. Jim and Donde  both seemed agitated. It took me a little while to figure out what was going on, and I’m still not 100% positive, but here’s what I think was happening. Jim,(Sharons husband) was in a meeting with Sheridan, Carol, James, Jay, Robert, Charlie, Tammy, Donna, Jim (Darlenes husband), and Darlene. Jim (Sharons husband) was relaying what was said at the table to Donde, outside. Donde was then relaying by semaphore to Bob Cole, who was on top of the tattoo shop. Bob was relaying the conversation by mirror to Curtis, who was on his tractor in the graveyard pretending to be catching grasshoppers. (Grasshoppers like graveyards, but Curtis was only pretending, so he didn’t get any) Curtis was keeping one eye on The Head Shed and one eye on Hooker Corner, just in case.

    This gang, inside the café and those outside, are known as The Wild Bunch and they are planning a hostile takeover of The Head Shed, and are getting their ducks in a row, so to speak. I was unable to get close enough to the table to hear what their initial offer was to be, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t to be enough to persuade Michelle/Sharon/Alice to accept their offer, as I did hear Carol say “I think we ought to shoot it out.” That’s what made me think it is to be a “hostile” takeover. In trying to figure out WHAT the Wild Bunch would gain by a takeover, hostile or not, I was stumped for a while, but I believe I’ve got a handle on it now.

    If the Wild Bunch can gain control of the Head Shed and it’s parking lot, it would be made into The Big Country Kitchen Annex. The reclining chairs in there would be really comfortable, and a “roving waitress” would be utilized to take orders, call them down to the main café, then a special “shuttle operator” would run food one way, and dirty dishes the other way. If they can get a liquor license, they could replace all the food with peanuts and do away with the shuttle. The Head Shed will, after all, only seat 4 at a time in the comfortable chairs, and another 4 or 5 as “waiters” in the other chairs. The down side might be the limited seating. Or it might be limited parking. Or it might be that with two red lights between the shed and the café, the food would always be cold. Or it might just be that The Head Shed is still too far away from Hooker Corner.


Gemini Man
Copyright 2010

TRUE ???? 8

I was told by a reliable source (gambler and sometime salsa maker) that Sharon (Jims wife) had broken her foot, and was contemplating having her feet replaced with titanium feet. Her doctor had told her that the titanium feet were much harder to break, and her kicking velocity would be greatly increased due to the light weight of the titanium. When asked what Sharon was kicking, (SOURCE) said: “Jim, I believe.”
Coincidentally, Jim was seen in a sporting goods store buying goalie hockey pads.

Yesterday, Linda and I were attacked at the front door of the café by killer grasshoppers. Killer grasshoppers might be a harsh description, but they were really p.o.’d about something. We barely got inside with our lives. Then I remembered that the day before, Curtis had mentioned that he was grasshopper hunting with his tractor. He had rigged up some nets on his tractor, intending to “herd” the hoppers into the nets to sell them for fish bait. Old timers who routinely fish with grasshoppers learned long ago that  grasshoppers must be caught one at a time, because herding them together can make them extremely vicious. Kansas and Oklahoma were nearly wiped out by big herds of grasshoppers in the 1800’s, just because someone had accidentally gotten 15 grasshoppers together, then accidentally stepped on one of them. They have long memories as well as a violent nature, so I’d suggest that Curtis paint his tractor a different color, and always wear camouflage clothes the same color as the tractor. The hoppers are not mad at the tractor. It’s Curtis they want to pay back.

Tammy was sleepwalking this morning. At least that what she said. My coffee cup was empty for 1 hour and 14 minutes, and laying on it’s side when she finally noticed it. When I mentioned it to her, she said: ‘I DON’T CARE”.

Carol asked me if I was strong, and I actually thought I was, so I went into the kitchen to remove the lid from some new oil containers. That’s not like in BP oil leaking into the gulf, but cooking oil. The harsh reality was that I could not break those lids loose, so Carol was forced to try another customer. I apologize for not knowing the name of this individual, but we owe him a debt of gratitude for jumping in and getting those lids loose, thereby unleashing a veritable torrent of new cooking oil for frying our food. If this individual will come forward and admit to me who he is, I will immortalize him in these pages by making up something about him, bearing in mind that he DID kinda show me up as a wuss who can’t open a bottle while he, on the other hand, received accolades for helping us all to eat fried food.




Gemini Man
Copyright 2010

TRUE ???? 7

    Darlene did a floor show the other day that had the audience absolutely holding their breath. Afterwards, she stated that it was a one time thing, and she would NOT be giving an encore performance.

     The other night at dinner, there was a card game going on at the table next to Linda and I. I was trying to determine if they were playing Texas Hold-Em or some other version of poker, planning to see if they needed another player if it was a poker game I like. There were two young ladies and a young gentleman in the game, and I inquired of the taller of the two ladies what game they were playing. “Trades” was the one word reply. When I related that I had played poker of every type and kind, all over the world, and had not heard of “Trades”, I was asked by the young gentleman how old I was, and when I replied he said that I would not be able to play “Trades”, as it was a much younger game. The shorter of the two ladies said: “It’s not really your age, but that you might not understand or be interested in this game.”

    I have had the gauntlet thrown at me before, so I took up the challenge. After my losing the first 57 hands, they took pity on me and said they would explain the game to me. Maranda (the taller of the two ladies) had won 26 hands, Mariah, (the shorter lady) had won 15 hands, and Jeremy ( the young gentleman of the group) had won 16 hands. I was informed by Mariah that Maranda cheats, which Maranda promptly denied. Jeremy explained: “Trades was made up by the three of us. We are the only people in the world who know how to play Trades. We make it up as we go, to benefit whichever of us has a chore we are responsible for that we would like to ‘trade” for something different.” When Jeremy explained it that way, it seemed perfectly logical.

    The three of them jumped in to help Donna get the café ready to close. Upon being told that I am a disabled Veteran, they cut me some slack and took over the chores that I would have had to do until September 13, 2017. These are Donna’s kids. Maranda-12 yrs old, Mariah-11 yrs. old, and Jeremy-7 yrs old. I should have known better than to play cards with card sharps of that age.



Gemini Man
Copyright 2010

TRUE ???? # 6

 Sharon and Jim were sitting in the front booth by the door, communicating back and forth with James, who was sitting at the back table next to the game room. I was sitting somewhere in between, and when I commented that I needed an ear megaphone to be able to eavesdrop, James allowed that we needed an intercom system. He probably thinks with an intercom the volume could be turned way down so I couldn’t hear. The newsletter would be REAL short, cause he knows I wouldn’t just make something up.

     Curtis had just raided his doctors office and got all the magazines to have something to read while he ate breakfast. Instead of picking and choosing, which would take too much time, he just raked all the books into a suitcase he carries for that purpose, then driving to the café, he culled the stack by chunking anything that didn’t have a pretty picture on the front out the window. Seems in his haste to get to the doctors office, he had left his specs at home, and was reading at arms length. We should get some reading glasses to leave at the café for those rare times when Curtis wants to read, but might be in a hurry.

     Tammy, scope bit eye and all, was back at her post this morning. She was swaying this a way, and that a way, and stumbling over chairs, but when asked what she had in her coffee, she replied that the doctor had given her some REALLY good medicine. When Jim said he had an eyelash in his food, she said: “ I DON’T CARE”, and continued serving food and coffee in her efficient way.

     Jim and Sharon are going down to Victoria to commune with the mosquitoes, and get some free tar balls from the beach. They are driving down in an 18 wheeler so they can get a LOT of tar balls. When I commented that I thought that was really great of them to help out the ecology that way, they said: “Nah. We’re going to take all the tar balls we can get, even if it means making several trips. Then we’ll drive out to California and put all the tar balls into the San Andreas fault. Our plan is, if we get enough oil in that fault, the next time those Tectonic Plates shift, California might just slide off into the Pacific.” When I said I didn’t much care for California either, they said that wasn’t the reason. Seems they have some land in Arizona they want to irrigate, and their application for a permit to divert some water from the Colorado river was denied by the California Legislature. They have since learned that salt water would work for their purposes, and they could bring in ocean water without a permit, and it’s free on top of that. Sounds logical to me.



Gemini Man
Copyright 2010

TRUE???? # 5

     Fay dropped in to Linda’s surprise b’day  party. You all know Fay. She had the café that was a front for the NSA (no such agency) Most of you don’t know that Fay was an NSA operative, and being a restaurateur was just a sideline. I thought she had retired, but she had some good stuff on her spy pen, not the least of which was that Jim had removed his shirt back in the game room, and an un named lady had followed that with her shirt. We may have to get Rick to install a video camera back there so the rest of the patrons can be entertained.

      Fay said the last time she saw me, I still had black hair, so I’m guessing it was at least 6 months ago, as I didn’t sprout grey hair until I was nearly 70. I can hear the cat-calls from here, so maybe it was a little longer than 6 months.

     I haven’t seen Tammy for several days, and somebody said she was sick. This reporter has learned that Tammy packed her kit for a short trip, and included in her kit was her snipers mat. That means that her time for just a few days (trip might even be over by now) will be spent lying prone on that mat with her eye behind a telescopic sight. I hope she hasn’t been out of the life long enough to have forgotten NOT to get her eye too close to that scope, lest the recoil bite her in the eye.

     Wednesday night Donna and I went hunting. She flew out of the kitchen and asked me if I knew anything about wasps. I told her I was allergic to their sting, but I damn sure wasn’t afraid of them. I drug out the big-bores from the truck and handed her one. She said she would carry my extra gun and load for me, but she didn’t think she would actually be able to shoot one. Hunting is not for everyone, so I told her I’d shoot it and have it mounted for her. Once I was in the kitchen and had the prey in sight, as luck would have it I could not get a shot lined up without endangering Linda in the main room. I went and picked up a handful of menus, and the wasp landed and picked up a spoon to defend itself. Normally I would have just shooed it outside but then I saw it was sharpening its stinger with the butcher’s steel, and as it threw the spoon at me, in ducking I lost my footing and went down. The wasp dived at me, and quick as a flash Donna swung a menu and knocked it out of the air. She then pounced and I heard her screaming “ you sorry, no good @#&(*%, get the  ^&#@&* out of my kitchen before I lose my temper. I’m pretty sure at that point her temper was lost already. She pounded that wasp until the kitchen was beginning to show signs there had been a football game.

     Donna heroically saved my life; I am allergic after all, but it cost her. The Taxidermist said that a mount would not be possible. A book pressing, perhaps, but definitely not a head or shoulder mount.


Gemini Man
Copyright 2010

TRUE ???? HEAD SHED # 3

   I stopped in at the Head Shed yesterday to see what was happening. Sharon/Michelle/Alice was at the SS MINNOW talking with Johnny Walker Red about Johnny Walker Black and the Old Crow he has living with him. Seems J & B (that's James and Buford) walked into a Highland Mist and accidentally knocked the Old Crow into a Vat 69, and she (Old Crow)was P O'd (that's perfectly oblivious). Blanca was AWOL, but came in at 11:15, which I think was right on time.

    I was told that Hooker Corner must be bi-sexual, as they are seeing a guy there now. I asked Jessica (Chica) if her last name, Rincon, meant "Corner", and she said it did, but it had nothing whatever to do with Hooker Corner. I'll back her up for as long as she wants to tell that. The Head Shed gives a good price, $8 dollars on Wednesday, to Seniors and Military men. Saturday, someone thoughtfully took one of the words off the sign, and it wasn't noticed until closing. They had gotten several calls, because the sign was now very interesting, and a really good price. I'll leave it to you to figure out what word was missing.

    Sharon/Michelle/Alice was photographed while practicing a very little known Oriental Martial Art called Wan Doun Lo on customer R. This consists of a headbutt to the victims Gluteus Maximus, which is supposed to take the victim off-balance. The photo was snapped just at the point that makes it appear that customer R is sitting on Sharon/Michelle/Alice's head. Mighty Mouse happened to see the picture on the internet, and offered to streak by once in a while and provide some extra security for the Head Shed, knowing how shy and retiring Sharon/Alice is. I was afraid to tell him about her nickname: "No B???? Alice."

    Blanca explained that the reason she was late was because she had to make a trip to the Army-Navy store to get the gear the Head Shed would need to fend off a hostile takeover from Big Country Kitchen. She opened up her goodies bag and dumped out 2  M4 rifles, one M-60, one case of anti personnel grenades, 2 M-40 grenade launchers, one case of 9mm ammo, one case of 5.56 ammo, 2 suits of BDU's, from the skin out, 2 pairs of boondockers, 2 mess kits, and a partridge in a pear tree.

    I asked if Sharon/Michelle/Alice was sitting this takeover out, since there were not even any BDU's for her, much less weapons. "Michelle is special Forces". said Chica. "She will be operating under cover, in a bikini, and with a really big knife."

Gemini Man
Copyright 2010